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1) Why are men like lawn mowers?
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

2) How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you
found
out you didn't need it anyway.

3) What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

4) How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

5) What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need ........
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

6) How does a man keep his youth?
By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

7) What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

8) Where do you have to go to find a man

The Teacher calls on Little Johnny.  "Johnny," she says, "I have
a math question for you."  Little Johnny says, "Okay, fire away!"
The teacher says, "There are three crows sitting on a fence.  A
hunter shoots one.  How many are left?"  Little Johnny quickly
responds,"None!"  The teacher asks, "Could you explain that
answer?" Little Johnny says, "Sure.  The crow that gets shot,
falls off the fence dead, and the other two fly away, afraid of
the noise."  "Actually", the teacher replies, "The answer is two,
BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE THINKING!" Little Johnny says, "Now I
have a question for you!"  The teacher says, "Go ahead!"  Little
Johnny says, "There are three women walking down the street
eating ice cream cones.  One of them is licking it, one of them
is sucking it, and one of them is biting it. Which one is
married?"  After thinking for a moment, the teacher responds,
"The one who is sucking it."  "Actually," replies Johnny, "It's
the one wearing the wedding ring, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE
THINKING!"

Crazy Mike, the Biker, walks into a pharmacy and says to the
pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.
I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep
me horny . . . keep potent." The pharmacist reaches under the
counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small
cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength"and
says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"
Crazy Mike says, "Gimme 3 boxes." The next day, Crazy Mike walks
into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls
down his pants.  The pharmacist  looks in horror as he notices
the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off
in some places. Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."
The pharmracist replies, "BEN GAY?!?!?!   You're not going to put
Ben Gay on THAT, are you?" Crazy Mike says, "Naw, it's for my
arms.  The girls didn't show up!!

Dont you Remember?

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him
he owes \$4.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the
customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you
did."The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees
that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have
paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later
pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid,
I'll take your word for it. "Soon the customer goes into the
street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when,
suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny
thing happened in here tonight.  Two men were drinking beer,
neither paid and both claimed that they did.  The next guy who
tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't
bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds."Just
give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Dating vs. Marriage

When you are dating...farting is never an issue
When you are married...You make sure there's nothing flammable
near your husband at all times.
When you are dating...He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married...He brings home a 6-pack, and says "What
are you going to drink?"
When you are dating...He holds your hand in public.
When you are married...He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating...A single bed for 2 isn't that bad.
When you are married...A king size bed feels like an Army cot.
When you are dating...You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married...You think to yourself... "was he always
this hairy?"
When you are dating...You enjoy foreplay.
When you are married...You tell him "If we have sex, will you
leave me alone?"
When you are dating...He hugs you, when he walks by you for no
apparent reason.
When you are married...he grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating...You picture the two of you together,
growing old together.
When you are married...You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating...Just looking at him makes you feel all
"mushy"
When you are married...When you look at him, you want to claw at
his eyes.
When you are dating...He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married...The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes
storage.
When you are dating...He understands if you "aren't in the mood".
When you are married...He says it's your job.
When you are dating...He understands that you have "male"
friends.
When you are married...He thinks they are all out to steal you
away.
When you are dating...He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married...He develops a "blank" stare.
When you are dating...He calls you by name.
When you are married...He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when
speaking to others as "She."

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying
a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the
president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a
lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff
finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is
always right!).  The bank president then asked her how much she
would like to deposit. She replied, "\$165,000!" and dumped the
cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course
curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,
"Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where
did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets?  What kind of bets?" The old
woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you \$25,000 that your
balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid
bet. You can  never win that kind of bet!" The old lady
challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the
president, "I'll bet \$25,000 that my balls are not square!" The
little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00
AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,
turning from side to side, again and again.  He thoroughly
checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no
way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady
appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.  She
introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:
"\$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president
agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his
pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little
old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could
feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "\$25,000 is a lot of
money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."  Just then, he
noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against
the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the
matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him
\$100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's
president's balls in my hand

bungee-jumping

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day.  The first guy says to the
second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own =
bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is
a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything
they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They
travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.  As they are
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more
and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy
jumps.  He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back
up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, he falls
again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised
and bleeding. Again,the second guy misses him.  The first guy
falls again and bounces back up.  This time, he comes back pretty
messed up, he's got a couple broken bones and is almost
unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this
time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first
guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pinata?

MEN JUST WONT LISTEN

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom
facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied.  The flight
attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the
attendants Ladies Room but cautioned him not to press any of the
buttons.  There, next to the paper roll were four buttons marked
respectively:      WW        WA         PP        ATR
Making the mistake sooooo many men make of not listening to a
woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the
best of him. He careful pressed the WW button and immediately a
gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom.  He
thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice." So, a little more
boldly he pressed the WA button.  Body temperature Warm Air blew
across his wet bottom and dried it  comfortably.  "Ah ha," he
thought, "No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with
these kind of services!" So he pushed the next button, PP, with
anticipation.  A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and
dusted his bottom lightly with talc.  "Man, this is great," he
thought as he reached out for the ATR button... When he awoke in
the hospital, the morphine was just  wearing off, so in
confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what
had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was
intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse
explained, "Yes,  you must have been having a great time until
you pushed the "Automatic Tampon Removal Button." "By the way,

THE PARTY

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone
all out - caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party
starts, Two guys show up looking for a handout.  Feeling sorry
for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they
will chop some firewood.  Gratefully, they head to the rear of
the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children
having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and
finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic,
and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very
disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children
herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the
guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he
swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in
the air. She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend
is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing.
Do you think your friend would consider repeating this
performance for the children at the party? I would pay him \$50!"
"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... "HEY
WILLIE...FOR \$50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:

FIRST THE WOMEN=20

40-ish.................. 48
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height............. Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST=20

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, &
back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but
she's not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother
on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

Subject: Italian Joke

Attention-Attention
(Must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud)

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat
breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings
me only one piss. I tella her I want to piss. She says go to the
toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss onna my plate.
She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. Later
I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a
spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She
tella me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I
wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on the table,
you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me
sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel and there is no
sheit onna my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna
sheit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand.
I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit onna bed,
you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he calla me a
sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say:
"Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. I
gonna back to Italy.

Subject: Looney Tunes Personality Test

1) Tazmanian Devil
2) Tweety
3) Marvin the Martian
4) Scooby Doo
5) Daffy Duck
6) Peppe Le Pew
7) Sylvester
8) Speedy Gonzalos
9) Bugs Bunny

By picking this favorite character....we can tell now what
kind of person, you are!!!...HMMMMM, do we really what to know?

Please Standby.....Wait a SEC.....No Fair Peeking !!! >>   =3Do)
.................................................................
........
....
...........................................
.
If you  Like .......

1) Tazmanian Devil-=3DA0 You are Wacky and Crazy!!! You Are the
Center of attention at parties. You love Food and are always
Causing Chaos.  When you are on a date, you're the one who makes
the 1st move. Love comes and goes for you. Can you Say * PLAYER*
?!?

2) Tweety- aaaaw you're soo CUTE!! Everyone Loves you cause your
so adorable physically and mentally. Face it, People are Jealous
of you. Love is always there for you. You're the typical
*Long-Relationship* Kinda person. You LOVE Cuddling But P.D.A is
not your style. If  something goes wrong in relationships
Tweety-Lovers are great listeners.

3) Marvin the Martian- You are DEFINETELY in control of your
life. People say you're a *Control Freak*. You're the kind of
person that is ALWAYS Paranoid with unimportant issues, But
that's ok cause there is always someone there to relieve that
paranoia. Love is very valuable to you. Relationships have been
Hardships for you but just remember that you're in control.

4) Scooby Doo- Lets face it, people around you find you quite
annoying sometimes. Whether it'd be the whining or Gnagging, but
it's driving your friends Crazy. If you have problems in life,
just keep them on the *DL*. To get on the Positive side of
things, you are very helpful and you love to solve mysteries and
problems. Love is a condition far away from your mind. The best
advice for Scooby doo Lovers is to Deal with your problems on

5) Daffy Duck- You are annoying in this cute way. People love
being around you because of your utter Goofiness. Making People
Laugh is your specialty. Daffy Lovers think there is a soulmate
out there for everyone. Love is something you haven't found
deeply yet but the *soulmate* will be there, CLOSER than you
think. Humm, this was Maggie

6) Peppe le Piu- You are the sweetest and most lovable person
there is.Guys/Girls love being around your *Charmed* personality.
When there is something you want, you will TRY to get it, No
Hard to please you but it's very easy for you to please others
with your endearing inner-self. Love is here for you and always
will be. Not only talking about b/fs-g/fs, but Family or friends.
If someone lets you down, there is always someone else that loves
you and is there. I'd have to say that Peppe-lovers are the
luckiest.

7) Sylvester- You are very Fun-Loving and easy to please. People
always are talking behind your back because of their utter
jealousy. Laughing is what you do best. Crying comes once in a
life time for you. You are very Unique in a good way. People want
to be like you and find you as a *Cool* person. Love is easy for
you to find. Your motto would probably be "Smile"

8) Speedy Gonzalos- You are ambitious and always heading for your
goal.You are a very *Fast* thinker and intelligent. It's often =
Genetic in Speedy- Lovers. Love comes once in a life-time,
unfortunately,but you always have your  family supporting you.
For you, FAMILY always comes 1st.

9) Bugs Bunny- You are definetely the greatest friend a person
can ever have.You're wise and always thinking of ideas.
Bugs-lovers have nothing to worry about in life cause you always
have solutions for everthing. Love is ALWAYS there for you.
Fooling around is your specialty. The word Relationship is not.

Two boys were skinny dippin and the one couldn't help noticing
the size of the other's manhood, so he asked "How did ya get it
that big?" The other boy responded "Well I rub it down every
night with lard." Two weeks later they were back at the swimming
The first boy said "I did what ya told me. Every night I have
rubbed it down with Crisco." The other boy exclaimed "Well, no
wonder, ...  that's shortening."

A middle aged woman goes for surgery and while she is on the
table she has a cardiac arrest and then has a near death
experience. During her near death experience, she sees God and
asks God if this is it. Is she going to die? God replies no that
she has at least 30 or 40 years left to live. So she decides that
while she is in the hospital, since she will be alive for so
much longer, that she may as well have a face lift done as well
as a tummy tuck and liposuction, and her hair dyed.  After all
this is done, she leaves the hospital and goes out on the street
and gets hit by an ambulance and dies. When she sees God, she
asks what happened, after all she still had 30 or 40 years left
to live. And God replies " I'm sorry, to tell you the truth, I
didn't recognize you",

The Teacher calls on Little Johnny.  "Johnny," she says, "I have
math question for you."  Little Johnny says, "Okay, fire away!"
The teacher says, "There are three crows sitting on a fence.  A
hunter shoots one.  How many are left?"  Little Johnny quickly
responds, "None!"  The teacher asks, "Could you explain that
answer?"  Little Johnny says, "Sure.  The crow that gets shot,
falls off the fence dead, and the other two fly away, afraid of
the noise."  "Actually,"  the teacher replies, "The answer is
two, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE THINKING!" Little Johnny says,
"Now I have a question for you!"  The teacher says, "Go ahead!"
Little Johnny says, "There are three women walking down the
street eating ice cream cones.  One of them is licking it, one of
them is sucking it, and one of them is biting it.  Which one is
married?"  After thinking for a moment, the teacher responds,
"The one who is sucking it."  "Actually," replies Johnny, "It's
the one wearing the wedding ring, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE
THINKING!"

get:

1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Sex
5. Dinner/Dancing
6. Waffle iron

1. CANDY It means that...  You are a sweet person who enjoys
selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything even
true love.

2. FLOWERS It means that... You love the beauty of nature,
the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic
gesture...OR you get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation
wither and die.

3. A SWEET POEM It means that... You're a hopeless romantic,
a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the
written word...OR you're used to cheap gifts and like to pass
yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and
beauty of the written word.

4. SEX It means that...You are a passionate soul, a free
spirit who is not afraid to express your sexuality with another
consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be
meaningful and beautiful...OR you're a filthy degenerate who is
no better than a rutting animal living solely for one carnal
experience after another.

5. DINNER/DANCING It means that... You enjoy the company of
that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and
candlelight...OR you're easy to please and probably willing to
sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the dance
floor.

6. WAFFLE IRON It means that... You're a practical person who
believes in gifts that you can actually use...OR you have
have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving kitchen
appliances.

An American woman, a British woman and an Italian woman were
having lunch. The American woman said, "I told my husband that I
wasn't going to clean the house anymore. If he wanted it clean he
would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see
anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then on the
third day, voila! My husband had cleaned the entire house!" The
British woman agreed, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to
do the laundry anymore. If he wanted it done he would have to do
it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The
second day, I didn't see anything. Then on the third day, voila!
My husband had done both his and my laundry!" The Italian woman
chimed in, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to cook
anymore. If he wanted home cooking he would have to either go by
his mothers or cook for himself. After the first day, I didn't
see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then on the
third day, I began to see a little out of my left eye."

Because I'm A Guy.....

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in
my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll
miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to
survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle
with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we
call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh,
and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and
stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another
guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able
to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink
beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me
soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never
get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected
to find exotic items like " Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know
these are the same thing.  And never, under any circumstances,
expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene
product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I
will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will
just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and
has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I
don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen
to a complete stranger-how the heck could HE know where we're
going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have
to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have
your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or
think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for
mother's day is OK. I don't need to see it. Did you remember to
pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and
I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it,
even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my
buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it
increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll
be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my
clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce
Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell
you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the
cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is
buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave.
Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought
what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair
of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your
hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share
equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, and the
dishes. I'll do the rest.

Bra shopping.....

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the
largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman
behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man,
"There is more than one type?" "Look Around," said the saleslady,
as she showed him a sea of bras in every shape, size ,color and
material. "Actually, replied the salesclerk, "even with all of
this variety--there are really only 3 types of bras" Confused,
Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type.
Which one do you need?" More confused, the man asked "What is the
difference between them?" The lady responded "It is all really
quite simple" "The Catholic type supports the masses, the
Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,and the Baptist type
makes mountains out of mole hills".

A pastor of a church who was previously a sailor, was very aware
that ships are addressed as "she" and "her".  He often wondered
question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was
comprised of women, and the second of men. Each goup was asked to
recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine
gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4
reasons for their recommendation. The group of women reported
that the computers should be referred to in the
masculine gender because:
1.  In order to get their atention, you have to turn them on.
2.  They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3.  They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they are the problem.
4.  As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer you could have a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender because:
1.  No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2.  The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3.  Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory
for later retrieval.
4.  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find youself
spending half you paycheck on accessories for it.

A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist
\$1,000 to put a \$100 bill on his willie.  The artist agrees, but
is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man
replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell
right now". So, the artist goes ahead and does the job.  But, all
the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a
\$100 bill on his penis. So, he tells the man that he really needs
to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the \$1000
he would have paid for the tatoo if he would just tell the reason
for putting a \$100 bill on his willie. So, the man consents and
offers these three reasons: "First, I like to play with my money.
Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most
importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow \$100, she can
stay home to do it!

In-tell-u-gents

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says,
"Wanna hear a "redneck" joke?"  The guy next to him replies,
"Before you tell that joke you should know something..."
"I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs.  and a redneck. The guy  sitting next to
me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck.  The fella next to him is
6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that
joke?" The first guy says:  "Nah. I don't want to have to explain
it three times."

sexual harrasment??

A manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and
polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was
open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, by the
way, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?" He did
not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look
down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some
fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way,
Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see
a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite
witty, replied, "Why no, sir, all I saw was a little disabled
veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

joke of the day

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or
playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing
himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.  The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey,
Dave, how ya doin?"  His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
this club before.  "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must
come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes
with them."  A stripper comes over to their table and throws her
arms around Dave.  "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table
dance?"  Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out
of the club.  Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she
starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says,
"Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

who is truly into
commitment?
A mental hospital

Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

STOPPED BY THE LAW!
A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state
policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to
pull over.The man pulls over, and the officer approaches the car.
Man: "I`m sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"
State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph."
Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"
State cop: "I`m also citing you for having a tail light out."
Man: "But officer, I wasn`t aware it was out."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it`s been out for two months."
State cop: "I`m also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my
car."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."
Man: "Listen you dumb *&^%\$, shut your !@#\$` mouth!!!"
State cop: "Ma`am, does he always talk to you this way?"
Wife: "Only when he`s drunk......."

OTHER THINGS....
1.  I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
2.  It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
3.  Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost
impossible.
4.  A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a
beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman;
Then, Pow! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the
friend. "My wife found out..."
5.  Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay,
but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
6.  How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be
opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
7.  A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha,
pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!
" Martha replies,"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The
man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of
the house by noon!"
8.  Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street bald and still think they are beautiful!
9.  I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to
interrupt her.
10. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

A BRIDGE OR WOMEN'S EMOTIONS?
A man was walking along the beach in California and found a
bottle.  He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the
bottle.  A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him
out. The genie said, " I am so grateful to get out of that bottle
that I will grant you any wish, but I can only
grant one. The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have
always wanted to go to Hawaii.  I've never been able to go
because I cannot fly, Airplanes are much too frightening for me.
On a boat,  I see all that water and I become very
claustrophobic.  So I wish for a road to be built from here to
Hawaii. The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said,
"No, I don't think I can do that.  Just think of all the work
involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and
how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean.
Imagine all the pavement needed.  No, that is just too much to
ask. The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie,
"There is one other thing I have always wanted.  I would like to
be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why
are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along
with, when they want attention, when they don't. basically, what
makes them tick." The genie considered for a few minutes and
said,  "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

1.   A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy -
for a year!!!!!"
2.   You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
3.   You see something funny and scream, "LOL,  LOL."
4.   You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ
5.   You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and
45 minutes.
6.   You placed the refrigerator beside your computer.
7.   You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can  have ICQ in
8.   Tech support calls YOU for help.
9.   You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang
out.
10.  You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
name on it.
12.  You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
13.  You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you
said.
14.  You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months
ago.
15.  You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending
an instant message to.
16.  You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you
17.  You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online
for awhile.
18.  You say......."Where did the time go??"
19.  You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person
to sign on.
20.  You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.
21.  .....You end your sentences with.....three or more
periods.......
22.  Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small.
23.  You think faster than the computer.<----Not difficult for me
24.  You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with
{{{hugs}}} and kisses.
25.  Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.
26.  You're on the phone and say BRB.
27.  Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood
shot eyes.
this...."BRB. Leave  your S/N and I'll TTYL ASAP".
29.  You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the
30.  You need to be pried from your computer by the
Jaws-of-life.

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks
and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the
pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The
warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the
duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This
here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the
warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a
second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum,
pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho
duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting
license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same
finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do
you have an Oregon state hunting license?"

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter
produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little
miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the
hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just
where the hell are you from?"

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said
"You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
A: Your date has to chew before she swallows....

Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
A: They were both designed for the kids, but it's the
fathers who are always playing with them.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A:"I don't know why you're shaking...she's gonna EAT me!"

Q: What is the difference between pink and purple?
A: The grip

Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a
schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher
says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again
until we get it right."  An airline stewardess says, "Just
hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."

Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King didn't cover his Whopper.

Q: Why did the condom cross the road?
A: Because it was pissed off.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "It might take me a while to get hard I just got
layed last night."

Q: What did one boob say to the other?
A: Don't hang so low, they'll think we're nuts.

Q: What is the diffrence between a frog and a horny toad?
A: One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it rub-it!

Q: What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in
common?
A: They can both smell it but they can't eat it

Q:  How is the card game Bridge and sex alike?
A:  If you don't have a good partner you better have a good
hand.

Viagra  &  Doan's Pills
The older guys are now taking a new combination
Viagra and Doan's Pills
So the back won't peter out and the peter won't back out..

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya
going boy?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no
dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"

your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have
to stuff junk mail in there with them.  I get back at them.  I
put garbage in with my check when I mail it in.  Coffee grinds,
banana peels . . . I write, "Could you throw this away for me?
Thank you."

Fabric Softener:
Remember this one men...:-)
My wife uses fabric softener.  I never knew what that stuff
was for, then, I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff)
"Married" (walk off).  That's how they mark their territory.
You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April
fresh scent out of your clothes.

Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest.  Very nice people there.  Very
wholesome. They use words like "Cripes".  For Cripe's sake.
Who would that be, Jesus Cripes?  The son of "Gosh?" of the
church of "Holy Moly".  I'm not making fun of it.  You think I
wanna burn in "Heck"?

Morning Differences:
isn't that the truth!!!  :-)
Men and women are different in the morning.  The men wake up
aroused in the morning.  We can't help it.  We just wake up and
we want you. And the women are thinking, "how can he want me the
way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you.  We
have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking.  They
say, "Oh my god. He's kicking.  Do you wanna feel it?"  I
always feel awkward reaching over there.  Come on!  It's weird to
ask someone to feel your stomach.  I don't do that when I have
gas.  "Oh my god . . . give me your hand . . .  it won't be long
now . . . "

Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says,

"Sexy Senior Citizen".
You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do
you?  Out entering wet shawl contests.  Makes you wonder
where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Reverse Life Cycle:
I really like this idea!
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.  I mean,
life is tough.  It takes up a lot of your time.  What do you
get at the end of it?  A death.  What's that, a bonus?  I
think the life cycle is all backwards.  You should die first,
get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home.  You
get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch,
you got to work.  You work forty years until you're young
enough to enjoy your retirement.  You do drugs, alcohol, you
school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into
the womb, you spend your last nine months floating . . .
you finish off as a gleam.

Prisons:
now that is an interesting thought. Did you know that it
costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner?
Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few
prisoners into my house!  I live in Los Angeles.  I already
have bars on the windows.  I don't think we should give free
room and board to criminals.  I think they should have to run
twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.
And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.

Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now?  They
have awards for commercials:  The Cleo Awards.  A whole show
full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast forwarded
through the whole thing.

Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on
different issues?  Did you ever notice there's always like
18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote . .
.  They're voting "I don't know."  "Honey, I feel very
DON'T KNOW!" (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to
stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This
guy probably calls up phone sex girls for \$2.95.  (Into
phone) "I'm not in the mood."

hee hee, Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive
messages on someone's answering machine?  "Hi, it's a great
day and I'm out enjoying it right now.  I hope you are too.
The thought for the day is "Share the love."
[Beep].  "Uh, yeah . . . this is the VD clinic calling . . .
Speaking of being positive, your test is back.  Stop sharing
the love."

Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of men, on
the topic of happiness. He shouted "I can prove to you that the
amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have!
Out to prove this he glanced at his audience. And he saw a man at
the right hand corner, smiling, "Sir, How often do have sex ?"
"Once a month." the man answered.
Looking for another happy face, he spotted a man in the middle,
having a bigger smile. And he asked him "Sir, How often do you
have sex?" "Once a week." the man shouted.  Trying to prove his
theory further, he saw another man laughing. "You seem to be a
very happy man, So how often do you have sex?" "Well, ...
"There, I am right ...the amount of happiness has relation to the
amount of sex you have" said the philosopher.  But far off at the
end of the room, he saw a man with his hands in the air.
Laughing and jumping with so much happiness. So the philosopher
said to him "You sure look like a very happy man?" "Yes,Yes ..
Yes," answered the very happy man "So how often do you get to
year...." The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher asked the man
"WHAT ??? ...Then why are you so happy ??"
The man while laughing, and jumping said: "IT'S TONIGHT... IT'S
TONIGHT!!"

Three guys are walking down the street when they're suddenly
stopped by a big black guy who jumps out in front of them. "You
better have ten inches of dick between the three of you, or I
might have to have some fun with my knife," he says, pulling out
The first guy coolly whips out his five-incher. The second guy
isn't far behind with his four-incher, and the third produces his
one-incher.
Satisfied, the black guy lets them go.
The three head off around the corner, where the first guy
gasps, "Good thing I had my five-incher."
The second guy says, "Yeah, and we're lucky I had my four
inches."
"No kidding," says the third guy. "Thank God I had a hard on!"

"Ho Ho Freakin' Ho!"
T'was the night before Christmas-Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa"-what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money-The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money
And the kids these days-they all are the pits
They want the impossible...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's-No request for them
They want computers and robots...They think I'm IBM
If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose-they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile...the parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde..I'm going SOUTH for the season!!

"NUNS"

Three nuns were talking.  The first nun said, "I was cleaning in
Father's room
the other day and do you know what I found?  A bunch of
pornographic magazines"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well I can top that.  I was in Father's
room putting away
the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!?
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns.
"What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted.

"ALIENS"

Two aliens land in the middle of the Australian outback, near a
recently abandoned gas station.  The first alien goes up to the
gas pump (which he assumes is an earthling) and says, "Take me to
gas pump still doesn't reply, the alien gets mad and tells the
pump thata if he doesn't start talking he will blast him. ...At
this point the second alien nervously interrupts, "Er, Sir,
don't think you should...." But the first alien will not be
deterred and he blasts away. There is a huge explosion and after
the smoke clears, the blackened aliens discover themselves
lying 100 yards away from their destroyed space ship..."You see,
Sir," said the second alien, "I didn't think it would be a wise
idea to mess around with a guy who can wrap his dick around his
waist and stick it in his ear.

A woman is in a gambling casino. At the roulette she says, "I
have no idea what number to play." A man near-by suggests she
play her age. She puts her money on number 35. The wheel is spun
and 43 comes up. The woman faints.

Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's
hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station
for a fill-up.  The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas
into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into
the passenger window. "Hey, Hillary.  We used to date in high
school, do you remember me?" he asks. They chat for a few
minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves.  As they drive
Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary.
"You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if
you had married him," he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill and
shrugs.  The she replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and
he would be the President."

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jag XK-8 in front
of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got
out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely
tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counselor immediately
grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5
minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance
to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.
His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the
body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally
wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and
disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,"
he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't
notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the
lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is
missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the
truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my
Rolex?"

A farmer is milking his cow. As he is milking, a fly comes along
and flies into the cows ear. A little bit later, the farmer
notices the fly in the milk. The farmer looks up and says, "Hmph.
In one ear, out the utter."

A blonde was recently hired at the office.  Her first task was to
go out for coffee.  Eager to prove her worth to her new bosses,
she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came
over to take her order. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of
coffee?" the blonde asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the
thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally replied,
"Yeah.  It looks like about six cups to me.""Oh good!" the blonde
sighed in relief.  "Then give me two regular, two black, and two
decaf."

THE FAMILY STRESS TEST

Score:

0 if the statement is never true
1 if it is rarely true,
2 if it is sometimes true
3 if it is always true.

1. ____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and
then we can talk".

2. ____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

3. ____ The cat is on Valium.

4. ____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they
learned to speak through clenched teeth.had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private
detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.)  After he
stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of
minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Fuck you", he turned
to the bride and said "Fuck you", and then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said "I'm out of here." He had the marriage
annulled first thing that Monday morning.  While most of us would
have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out
about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if
nothing was wrong.

His revenge:
1) Making the bride's parents pay over \$32,000 for a 300 guest
wedding and reception.
2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.
3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's
reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire
families i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents,
nieces and nephews, etc. This guy has balls the size of church
bells.  This is his world, we just live in it.

After mass a little boy told the priest, "when I grow up, I am
going to give you money. "Well thank-you", the prist relied "but
why?" Because my daddy says you are one of the poorest preachers

A father was at the beach with his children when the four year
old son ran up tp him, grabbed his hand and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy what happened to
him?" the son asked. "He died and went to heaven" the dad
replied.  The boy thought for a moment and then said, "did God
throw him back down?"

A wife invited some people to dinner, at the table, she turned
to her six year old daughter and said, "would you like to say the
blessing?" I don't know what to say the little girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say", the mother answered. The
daughter bowed her head and said-- "Lord, why on the earth did I
invite these people to dinner!"

Beer drinking

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking
a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey
busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba",
Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers,
peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the
bottles under the seat". "What fer?", asked Bubba. Just let me do
the talkin', OK?", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers,
threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each stuck a label on
asked, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We's on
the patch

50th anniversary

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary.  That
night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy
little negligee she wore on their wedding night.  She looks at
her husband and says, "Honey, Do you remember this?" He looks up
at her and says,  "Yes dear, I do.  You wore that same
negligee the night we were married." She says, "Yes, that's
right.  Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nods
and says, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" she
asks. He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said,
"Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big
tits and screw your brains out." She giggles and says, "Yes
honey, that's it.  That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50
years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do
you have to say tonight?" Again he looks up at her and looks her
up and down and replies, "Mission Accomplished."

WARNING: Might be unsuitable for some of you due to vulgarity.

Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this that you wonder why
You bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky stuff
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge you're on the rag.

A Blonde And The Alligator Shoes"

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.She
wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but
was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were
asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle"
attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe
I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair
of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all
means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a
big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the
swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day,
the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman
standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he
sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.   She
takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort
hauls it on to the swamp bank.  Laying nearby were several more
of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just
then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated,
shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either! >>

4 letter words

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.  When
they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.  "Well,"
said her mother "so how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she
replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!  So romantic..."Suddenly
she burst out crying.  "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam
started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never
heard before!  I mean, all these awful 4-letter words!  You've
got to come get me and take me home...  PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah,
Sarah," her mother said, "calm down!  Tell me, what could be so
awful?  WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you,
mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too
awful!  COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me
what has you so upset...  Tell your mother these horrible
4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words
like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook..."

THE ARK....

Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice."There will be NO
sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tips of your
penises.  All of  you males, take off your dicks and hand it to
my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we
see land, you can get you dicks back." After about a week Mr.
Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited.
"Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to
see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his
shoulders and looked out the window.  "Sorry, no land yet."
"Sh*t!" and out went Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until
Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you?
You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the
water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting
so excited every day?" "Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister
look on his face as he held out a piece of paper. "I GOT THE
DONKEY'S RECEIPT!!"

This is cute

A young man was glad to finally be invited to dinner at his
girlfriend's parents' house.  Predictably, he was really nervous
about meeting her parents, and by the time he arrived he was in a
state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of
acute flatulence, and halfway through the first course, the young
man realized he couldn't hold his fart in one second longer
without exploding.   He cut the cheese - a tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog,
lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been
blamed for his faux pas, the young man let another one rip.
"Spot!" the mother called out sharply. "I've got it made,"
thought the fellow to himself.  Just one more and I'll feel fine.
So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother.
"Get over here before he shits on you!"

Wisdom Teeth

One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how
much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the
dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't
there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use
an anesthetic, I can knock it down to \$60." "That's still too
expensive," the man says. "Okay," says the dentist.  "If I save
on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers,
I could get away with charging \$20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's
still too much." "Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head.
"If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose
I could charge you just \$10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my
wife for next Tuesday

Things to Ponder

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would
you get a Philip's Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be
wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put
your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread
to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make =
terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry
cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion
stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you
a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from
Holland called "Holes?

There were these two big burly football players playing golf
behind a twosome of fags.  The big guys kept hitting the ball
right up into the two fags, almost hitting them several times.
Finally, one of the fags drove his cart back and said, "You guys!
If you don't quit hitting your balls up between us, we're going
to sue the shit out of you!"  And he drove back up. A couple
holes later, the first jock got up to the tee box, hit a long
drive right between the two fags.  The next jock teed up and
socked his ball all the way up, hitting one fag and knocking him
to the ground. The other fag came screaming back and exclaimed,
"Now you've done it!  I told you not to hit your balls into us
and look what you did!!  We're going to sue the shit out of you
for this, you big brutes!" "Awww, suck my dick," was the big
jock's reply. The fag cupped his hands and hollered, "Bruce!  Get
up!  We're going to settle out of court!"

Subject: "The Easter Dress"

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to
the alter wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting
down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the
girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike,
"Yes. And my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

Subject: Old Geezer

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married=20
a young, twenty year old woman. A year later, she went into the
hospital to give birth. The nurse walked into the waiting room
and congratulated the old fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do
it at your age?" The old geezer answered, "You've got to keep
that old motor running." The following year, the young woman gave
birth again. Once again, the same nurse approached the old guy
and begged the question, "How do you do it?" Again, he replied,
"You've got to keep the old motor running." Well, sure enough,
another year passed and the young woman gave birth yet again. The
nurse said to the old fellow, "I don't get it - you must be quite
a man." The old geezer again reasoned, "You've got to keep that
old motor running." "Well," said the nurse, "you'd better change
the oil in that old motor because this one's black!"

Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole
that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?"
asked the operator. Ole replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long
pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak
Street and you pick her up der?"

1. Our Little Johnny
----------------------------
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention
in class.  She called on him and said, "Johnny!  What are 4, 2,
28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the
Cartoon Network!"

Harley joke

A young man goes to a Harley dealership to purchase his dream
bike. The merchant asked him if he wants extra chroming as an
added charge. The man wants it, but does not have enough money.
Now the young man is worried that the chrome on his new bike will
rust. "Not to worry" said the dealer. "There's an old biker
trick. Keep a jar of Vaseline in your jacket pocket. That will
keep the chrome protected!" The young man is happy and drives
away on his new hog. Later, the young man meets a pretty woman
and falls in love. She invites him to her parents house for
dinner, but warns him "Our family tradition is whoever speaks
first after dinner will have to do the dishes, so be careful!"
After an enjoyable meal, the family sits around the dinner
table. The young man is aware of the family tradition, so decides
to kiss his new love in front of the parents. He kisses her
deeply and no one speaks. The young man again tries to make
someone speak. He grabs the mother, puts her on the dinner table
and has sex with her. Again, no one says a word. The young man
perks up, he hears in the distance the roll of thunder with the
threat of rain. Frantically, he reaches into his jacket and pulls
out the Vaseline jar. The father jumps up quickly and shouts
"Alright! I'll do the damn dishes!!!

Subject: HUMOR-SICK: How to say someone is stupid

01. The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.
02. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
03. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
04. A few clowns short of a circus.
05. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
06. A few beers short of a six-pack.
07. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
08. The cheese slid off his cracker.
09. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
10. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
11. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
12. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the
heel.
13. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the
way
14. One taco short of a combination plate.
15. All foam, no beer.
16. As smart as bait.
17. Chimney's clogged.
18. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
19. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
20. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
21. Receiver is off the hook
22. Skylight leaks a little
25. Too much yardage between the goalposts.
26. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
27. Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
28. A room temperature IQ.
29. Bright as Alaska in December.
30. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.
31. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just
gargled.
33. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
34. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
35. If he had another brain it would be lonely.

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he
decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do
to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel
like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a
starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home
to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and
waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69
position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to
ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man
went back to the doctor.   The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my
wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor
came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God
bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy.  Goodbye Grampa." Well, the
father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The
next day, the grandfather died.  About a month or two later, the
father heard his son saying his prayers again, "God bless Mommy.
God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother
died.  Well, the father was getting more than a little worried
about the whole situation.  Two weeks later, the father once
again overheard his sons prayers, "God Bless Mommy.  Goodbye
Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He
didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he
would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he
got home he apologized to his wife, "I am sorry Honey.  I had a
DAY!?  The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning

Strange Stories:

Tennessee:

A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the
bank's video camera. While it was recording, remotely.  (That
is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank,
so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

Louisiana:

A man walked into a Circle-K, put a \$20 bill on the counter and
asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the
man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register,
which the clerk promptly provided.  The man took the cash from
the clerk and fled-leaving the \$20 bill on the counter. The total
amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. (If
someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime
committed?

Arkansas:

Seems this guy wanted some booze pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run.  So he lifted the cinder block and
heaved it over his head at the window.  The cinder block bounced
back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him
unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

New York:

As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the
snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the
snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the
store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand
there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer, that's
her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Seattle:

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked
on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to
a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that
the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose
into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the
vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best

Newark:

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that
there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report
called the phone, and told the guy that he saw the for sale ad in
the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet,
and the thief was arrested.

Ann Arbor:

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into
a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the
man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available
for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

And Finally, Kentucky:

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a
chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they
pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene
and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine.
With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their
vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

TRUE FUNNY STORIES

*********************
I am a medical student currently doing a  rotation in toxicology
at the poison control center. Today, this woman  called in very
upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I
quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there
would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She
calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her
daughter in to the Emergency room right away.

*********************
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided
to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful
in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a
float on the River, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard
helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper
was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the
raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.

*********************
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store,  selling sporting
goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to
make storewide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in  hardware who
needs assistance at the paint counter."  One night a tentative
female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you
not) following message:  "I have a customer by the balls in toys
who needs assistance."

*********************
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for  watching for
speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed  limit, the
officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on  the
side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR
TRAP AHEAD."   A little more investigative work led the officer
to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the
radar  trap with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet,
full of change.

*********************
A true story out of San  Francisco:  A man, wanting to rob a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this
iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."  While standing in
line, waiting to  give his note to the teller, he began to worry
that someone had seen him  write the note and might call the
police before he reached the  teller  window. So he left the Bank
of America and crossed the street to Wells  Fargo. After waiting
a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a
Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to
fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of
America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man  said "OK" and left.
The Wells Fargo teller then called the police  who arrested the
man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank
of America.

*********************
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an  automated speed trap
that measured his speed using radar and photographed his  car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for \$40 and a photo of his
car.  Instead of payment, he sent the police department a
photograph of \$40.  Several days later, he received a
letter from the police that contained another picture - of
handcuffs.

*********************

Drug  Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March
in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a
warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant
because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.
Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the
same jacket that day in court.  He handed it  over so the judge
could see it. The  judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the
pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to
compose himself.

*********************
Oklahoma City:  Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery
of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his
lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47,
was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager
testified that Newton was the robber.  Newton jumped up, accused
the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your
(expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly
added, "if I'd been the one that was  there."  The jury took 20
minutes to convict Newton and recommended  a 30 year sentence.

*********************
R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were
showing their squad car  computer equipment to children in a
Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how  the system worked, the
officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his
drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and
moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the
screen showed Gaitlan  was wanted for a two year old armed
robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

*********************
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all the cash from the  cash drawer.  After the cashier
put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a  bottle of scotch that he
wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to
put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I
don't believe you are over 21."  The robber said he was, but the
clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe
him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out
of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.  The clerk looked it
over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the
scotch in the bag.  The robber then ran from the store with his
loot.  The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name
and address of the robber that he got off the license.  They
arrested the robber two

*********************

A pair of  Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The  first one shouted, "Nobody move!"  When
his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Government Work

A government employee sits in his office and out of boredom
decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through
the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look
nice on my mantelpiece," he decides and takes it home with him.
While he's polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him
three wishes. "I wish for a ice cold beer right now!" He gets his
beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states
his second wish, "I wish to be on an island where beautiful
nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous
females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and
last wish, "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." And, POOF!
he's back in his government office again.

Remember--When you are having a bad day, and it seems like
everybody is trying to tick you off, that it takes 42 muscles to
produce a frown, but only 4 muscles to work the trigger of a good
sniper rifle.

MARTHA STEWART LIVING FOR REDNECKS

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.   While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2.   Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several
days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of
good money.
3.  Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no,
as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter
the taste of finger foods.

DINING OUT
1.   When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,
and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2.   If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with

1.   A centerpiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist.
2.   Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no  matter how
good his manners are.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1.   Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the
first date.
2.   Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:  "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
bathroom wall two years ago."
3.   Establish with her parents what time she is expected home
Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the
latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get
her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1.   Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
2.   Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests
have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1.   Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.   Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.   For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky
appearance.
4.   Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this

"Special occasion"
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
gun is  loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.   When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the
largest tires always has the right of way.
3.   Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.   When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.   Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially
when driving.
6.   Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1.   Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.   Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3.   It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4.   If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the
sheets.
5.   Even if you're certain that you are included in the
will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to
the funeral home.

Computer Joke

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and
haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and
course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building,
flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in
the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in
large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to
the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building
window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course
to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on
the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot
responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically
------------------------------------------------------------

Strange epitaphs you might enjoy:

On the grave of Ezekial Aikie in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova
Scotia:

Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:

Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived and old maid
But died and old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico cemetery:

Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

Memories of an accident in Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:

Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas

In a Silver City, Nevada cemetery:

Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer
And that is Strange.

On Margaret Daniel's grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond,
Virginia:

She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England.

On the 22nd of June
--Jonathan Diddle--
Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph
that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:

Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London,England.

Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a
consumer tip:

Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp=20
filled with "R. E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid."

Oops!  Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down.  It was!

In a Thurmont, Maryland cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

While the US stock market is at an all time high, the ups and
downs frighten a lot of small investors like me. I went to my
financial advisor at the bank and asked if he was worried.  He
replied that he slept like a baby.  I was amazed and asked,
"Really?  Even with all the fluctuations?" He said, "Yes.  I
sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of
hours."

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window: "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, ... " a pair of socks!"

THE DRUNK.....

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving
violently all over the  road. An Irish cop pulls him over. "So,"
says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to
the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like
you've had quite a few. "I did all right," the drunk says with a
smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a
minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

I read of a man who stood to speak At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone From the beginning ...
to the end. He noted that first came her date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears, But he said what
mattered most of all Was the dash between those years.
(1900-1970) For that dash represents all the time That she spent
alive on earth.... And now only those who loved her Know what
that little line is worth. For it matters not, how much we own;
The cars...the house...the cash. What matters is how we live and
hard... Are there things you'd like to change? For you never know
how much time is left. That can still be rearranged. If we could
just slow down enough To consider what's true and real, And
always try to understand The way other people feel. And be less
quick to anger, And show appreciation more And love the people in
our lives Like we've never loved before. If we treat each other
with respect, And more often wear a smile... Remembering that
this special dash Might only last a little while. So, when your
Would you be proud of the things they say About how you spent

A DRUNK....

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few
minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from
the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream
reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the
bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my
customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I
try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my
balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and
says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy
bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence
laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar,
trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before
he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with
his keys for several minutes.  Everyone left the bar and drove
off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The
police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read
him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test. The
results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to
know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the
Designated Decoy."

THE LITTLE FLY

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on
a pile of fresh horse manure.  Due to the fact that it had been
hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate
and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and
tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not
get off the ground. As he looked  around wondering what to do
now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He
climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that
once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting
when he hit the floor. Dead. The moral to the story is: Never fly
off the handle when you're full of shit

THIS IS SCARY!!!!  THINK ABOUT IT!!!

It is time to elect a world leader and your vote counts.
Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates.

Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with
astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks
8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,
used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.

Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't
smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit
affairs.

Which of these candidates is your choice??

V

V

V

V

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the
Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that
the death occurred at approximately 8:42 last evening. Best known
as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and
going. "Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and family, was
alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was
performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell,
concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest
induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put
the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and
coming, and coming...

Tickle Me, Elmo

A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin.  The
Personal Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he
regrets he has nothing worthy of her.  The woman answers that she
really needs work and will take almost anything.  The Personal
Manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill
job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else.  The woman
happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her
duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day. The
next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personal Manager's door.
The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting
how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personal Manager
suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the
line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom
come.  Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she
has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has
a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece
of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sowing them between
Elmo's legs.  The personal managers starts laughing hysterically
and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself
together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry
I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.  What I wanted you to do
was give Elmo two test tickles."

Bye Son

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few
things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking
nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went
to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me,"
she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel
uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I
haven't seen in a long time." "That's a shame," replied the young
man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "as
I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'  It would make me
feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old
woman was leaving, he called out, "Good-bye, Mother!" As he
stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was
\$127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few
things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the
clerk.

LATE SHIFT!

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to
the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her
head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled
under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as
he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to
find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd
you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "that's my mother up there!" "She
came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told
her to lie down for a while." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to
the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't
you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken
to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"

Gross pay: \$1222.02

Income Tax      Outgo Tax      State Tax       Interstate Tax
244.40               45.21                61.10
5.89

County Tax      City Tax       Rural Tax       Back Tax
6.11                   12.22             4.44
1.11

Front Tax       Side Tax       Up Tax          Down Tax
1.16                  1.61                2.22
1.11

Tic-Tacs        Thumbtacks     Carpet Tacks    Stadium Tax
1.98                 3.93                  0.98
0.69

Flat Tax        Surtax         Ma'am Tax       Parking Fee
8.32                3.46             2.60                   5.00

No Parking Fee  F.i.c.a.       T.g.i.f.        Life Ins.
10.00                   81.88          9.95            5.85

Health Ins.     Disability     Ability         Liability Ins.
16.23               2.50              0.25              3.41

Dental Ins.     Mental Ins.    Reassurance.    Coffee
4.50                4.33                 0.11
6.85

Coffee Cups     Calendar       Floor Rental    Chair Rental
66.51                 3.06              16.85
4.32

Desk Rental     Union Dues     Union Dont's    Cash Advances
4.32                    5.85                3.77
0.69

Cash Retreats   Overtime       Undertime       Eastern Time
121.35                1.26                 54.83
9.00

Central Time    Mountain Time  Pacific Time    GMT
8.00                   7.00                   6.00
24.00

Bathroom Time   Time Out       Oxygen          Water
4.44                     12.21              10.02
16.54

Electricity     Heat           Air Conditioning
38.23              51.42          46.83

Misc
144.38

Take Home Pay: \$0000.02

(This is where the expression "just my 2 cents" came from...)

Temperature Issues

60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on
50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat
45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert
40 degrees - You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
35 degrees - Italian cars don't start
32 degrees - Water freezes
30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia
25 degrees - Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitifully
Minnesotans eat ice cream
20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacations farther south
15 degrees - French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 degrees - American cars don't start
0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 degrees - German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you step outside
-15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an
igloo
Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 degrees - Cat insist on sleeping in pyjamas with you
Politicans actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
-25 degrees - Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start
-40 degrees - Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
-50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes
-80 degrees - Polar bears move south
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game
-90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
-100 degrees - Hell freezes over
Clinton finally tells all.

A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a
relative. The Parrot, being a male, sneaks out and screws the
next door neighbours turkeys and rushes back home, but not before
being caught in the act. The next door neighbours knock on the
door and explain what the Parrot has been doing. The owners of
the parrot reprimand him and tell him if he doesn't stop it he's
going to shave the parrots head. That night the Parrot, overcome
with desire, sneaks out and screws his neighbours turkeys again.
The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to
shave his head. The following morning is the Farmers daughters
wedding, and in order to please the relative that gave them the
parrot, they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his
punishment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to
sit in the church. The parrot is doing fine. "Grooms side to the
left and Brides side to the right". Until two bald guys walk in
and he says, "And you two Turkey fvckers up on the piano with
me!!!"

COMPUTER GENDER?

A pastor who had previously been a sailor, was very aware that
ships are addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered by what
set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of
women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend
whether computers should be referred to in the feminine
or the masculine gender, and to give four reasons for that
recommendation. The group of women reported that computers should
be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with others of
their kind is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

25 Things Women Want To Hear In 1999

1)  Gee Sweetheart, let's skip dinner tonight  The only thing I'm
hungry for is you.

2)  Wow, I just don' t know what to do with this money we won in
the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if
you can find something to buy with it.

3)  Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with
us.

4)  Oh go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie.
If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.

5)  What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store
on romance movies.

6)  How about I give you a nice massage and foot rub.  I really
don't like sex that much anyway.

7)  You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the
brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.

8)  What a break, I won a prize on the radio station....tickets
to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York
Ballet.  I got first choice so pack your bags for New York,
we get to go to the ballet!!!

9)  Be careful Darling...don't let it go too far down your
throat.

10)  Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the
lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.

11)  While your up Sweetheart, can you get me a glass of water.
I think I've had enough beer.

12)  Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go
furniture shopping.

13)  There ought to be a law against those porno movies.  Can you
believe that there are guys that would actually want their
wives to do those things they show?

14)  Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all
spruced up in a suit and tie.

15)  I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill.  How about
a nice quiche.

16)  You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to
that impractical Corvette.

17)  Look at that...disgusting.  Why would she wear a short skirt
like that with no panties?

18)  Golly I think we're lost.  Let me find a gas station to ask
for directions.

19)  My golf clubs are only 30 years old.  Why don't you use the
money my parents gave us to get something nice for the
house.

20)  If the guys call and want me to go to that new strip club
with them, tell them I'm busy.  I really want to get the
living room painted tonight.

21)  You know Sweetheart, I'm really glad you don't like doing
all those dirty things they write about in those stupid sex

22)  Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men
who have never really grown up.

23)  If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking
at the home decorating magazines.

24)  You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.

25)  Why don't you relax this weekend.  I'll take care of the
cooking and housework.

oh!!!...this was my morning laugh!!!!

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to
start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good
morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...." "Oh, no
need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start ?" asked
Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two
in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread
out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for
Harry and me." "Well madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time.  But if  we try several different positions and I
shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with
the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped
Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith
exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a
bus in downtown London." "Oh my goodness!!", Mrs. Smith
exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned
out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so
difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the
picture. "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid
so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done
right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to
get a good look." "Four and five deep ?" asked Mrs Smith, eyes
widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more
than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and
yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and
I began to rush my shots.  Finally, when the squirrels began
nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in." Mrs Smith
leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your ...... eh
.......... equipment ?". "That's right. Well madam, if you're
ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod
??", Mrs Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to
use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to
Good Lord, she's fainted !

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think
we're nuts.

Goldie

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up
a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the
blanket beside hers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like
movies?" "Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?" The man again looked
up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning
pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on
Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the
cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a
sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I
wanted?" The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you
know my name was Katz?"

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to
change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to
get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you
died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.
So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of
Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law,
promptly askedthe man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to
tell me about the day youdied." "No problem.", said the man.
"Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an
affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring
her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him.
So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got
there and busted  in and immediately began searching for this
guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the
entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I
was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony
and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his
fingertips!  The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from
me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers
until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed
in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage
I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on
to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab
was the refrigerator. I  unplugged it, pushed it out onto the
balcony and heaved it over the side.  It plummeted 25 stories and
crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right
after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The
angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID
have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced,
"Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and let him in.   A
few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok. Here's the rule.
Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe
this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing
my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and
accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to
catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath
mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of
his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers!
Well of course Ifell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down
which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying
there face up  on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over
the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!" The
angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his
story. "I could get used to this new policy.", he thinks to
himself. "Very well.", the angel announces. "Welcome to the
Kingdom of Heaven.", and he lets the man enter.   A few seconds
later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about
the day you died.", said the angel. "Ok. Picture this.", says the
man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."

100 REASONS IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY!
(No offense intended or implied)

01) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
02) Movie nudity is virtually always female.
03) You know stuff about tanks.
04) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
05) Monday Night Football.
06) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
07) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
08) You can open all your own jars.
09) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained
weight.
10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall
at every shot of somebody crying.
12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
13) All your orgasms are real.
14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15) Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em
into the boards).
16) You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around
everywhere you go.
17) You understand why Stripes is funny.
18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19) Your last name stays put.
20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that
everyone secretly hates you.
22) You can kill your own food.
23) The garage is all yours.
24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27) You never have to clean a toilet.
28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
32) Your underwear is \$10 for a three-pack.
33) The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34) You don't have to shave below your neck.
35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38) You can write your name in the snow.
39) You can get into a trivial pissing contest for the hell of
it.
40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41) Chocolate is just another snack.
42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44) Flowers fix everything.
45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry
51) Foreplay is optional.
52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a
room.
54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's
coming by.
56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58) You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new
haircut.
59) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without
ever thinking He must be mad at me.
60) The world is your urinal.
61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your
62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64) One mood, all the time
65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to
look like him.
66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because
this one's just too sleazy.
67) you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're
wearing.
69) Same work...more pay!
70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
72) Wedding dress: \$2,000; tuxedo rental: \$75.
73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you
back.
74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75) You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to
them.
79) ESPN's SportsCenter.
80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a =
81) Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you
naked.
84) You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the
bathroom.
85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't
tell your other friends you've changed.
86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw
it."
88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
just might become lifelong buddies.
89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're
not in the mood.
92) You think the idea of punting a small dog or cat is funny.
93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a
hammer or throw it across the room.
94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and
anniversaries.
97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with =
them.
98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice
anything different?"
99) Baywatch
100) There's always a game on somewhere.

10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING A GUY

1) You have to take out the garbage.
2) The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over \$250,000.
3) No sofas in our restrooms.
4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5) Even if you get you hand caught in an industrial wood chipper,
you're not allowed to cry.
6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.
7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
8) You have to wear ties.
9) you can't flirt your way out of a jam.
10) "Women and children first."

Hand Cream

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress
and step  in the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not
bothering  to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and
heads back to the  showers. He is halfway down the hall when he
sees three nuns heading his  way. Having no place to hide, he
stands against the wall and freezes like he's  a statue. The nuns
stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first  nun
suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar
of  soap. "Oh look," says the 2nd nun..."a soap dispenser." To
test her theory she also pulls his dick...and sure enough he
drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once,
then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries
once more and to her delight she yells..."Look, hand cream!"

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a
very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across
the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is
too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for
some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He
steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little
fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans
over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the
child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now
what, my little man?"

A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool,
chops,etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep
are getting pregnant  and phones a vet for help. The vet tells
the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer
doesn't have the slightest idea what this means, but not wanting
to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when
the sheep are pregnant.  The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and will, instead, lay down in the grass and roll
around. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought.  He comes
to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has
to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck,
drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings
them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out
at the sheep.  Seeing that they are all still standing around, he
concludes that the first try did not take and loads them into the
truck again.  He drives them out to the woods, bangs each twice
for good measure, brings them back and upon returning to home,
falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise
himself from the bed to look at the sheep.  He asks his wife to
look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No",
she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking
the horn."

which would you choose?

BABY RUTH
3 MUSKETEERS
BUTTERFINGER
SNICKERS
HERSHEY'S
ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS
CLARK BAR
GOOD 'n PLENTY
ENERGY BAR
CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS

Ok...now that we have your choice, this is what research says
be...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Baby Ruth ~ Sweet Loving Cuddly.  You Love all warm fuzzy items.
A lil nutty. Sometimes you need a lil treat like an ice cream
cone at the end of the day.

3 Musketeers ~ You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a
champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons.  When tempers
flare up, you whip out your sabre.

Butter Finger ~ Smooth articulate, you are an excellent
after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk
and chew gum at the same time.

Snickers ~ Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being
around you. But you are a practical joker - others should be
cautious in shaking hands!

Hershey's ~ Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people
and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt and get gushy
if held too close.

Almond Joy with Almonds ~ Sexy, always ready to give and receive,
very energetic, and really like to get into life. The opposite
sex is always attracted to you.

Clark Bar ~You like sports, whether baseball, football,
basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to
participate, but enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up
the remote control.

Good 'n Plenty ~You are a very fun loving person, who likes to
laugh. You are fun to be with.  People like to go to the movies
with you. Children find you amusing.  You are a very warm hearted
person.

Energy Bar ~ You are very active.  You are so active, life is
passing you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a plum.

Chocolate Coated Raisins ~ You go to the bathroom often.

The Smarter Sex? or the more devious one!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad
one.  Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly
neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the
woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately
we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet
and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our
days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you
completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued,
"And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely
demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands
it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately
puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks,
"Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll
just wait for the police..."

"Gotta love that e-mail"

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.  His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick
e-mail.  Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
memory.  Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was
passed away only the day before.  When the grieving widow checked
her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.  At the sound, her
family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your
arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

AND GOD CREATED

God created the mule, and told him: "You will be Mule, working
You will eat grass and you will lack intelligence. You will live
for 50 years. The mule answered: " To live like this for 50 years
is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And so it was
Then God created the dog, and told him: "You will hold vigilance
over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest
companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
And the dog responded: "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too
much. Please, no more than 10years And it was so. God then
created the monkey, and told him: "You are Monkey. You will
swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny,
and you shall live for 20 years."  And the monkey responded:
"Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much.
Please, Lord, give me no  more than 10 years." And so it was.
Finally, God created Man and told him: "You are Man, the only
rational being that walks the earth. You will use your
intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You
will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."  And the man
responded: "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.
Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years
the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected And it was
so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and
live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his
back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog,
guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the
pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey,
acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren. And so it was.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of
Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of
each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar
and orders three more.  The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint
goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought
one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two
brothers.  One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm
here in Dublin.  When we all left home, we promised that we'd
drink this way to remember the day when we drank together." The
bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the
same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.  One
day, he comes in and orders two pints.  All the other regulars
notice and fall silent.  When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on
your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great
loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light
dawns in his eye and he laughs.  "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's
fine.  I've just quit drinking."

Marriage or Prison???

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband
missing from their bed.  In the stillness of the house, she could
hear a muffled sound downstairs.  She went downstairs and looked
all around, still not finding her husband.  Listening again, she
could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to
find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying.
She asked him, "What's wrong with you?" He replied:  "Remember
when your father caught us together, when you were 16?  Remember
he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away
to prison for the next 20 years." Baffled, she said, "Yes."
The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison
today."

RENT IS DUE

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night
with him for \$500.  So, they spent the night together.  In the
morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have
any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a
check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for
Apartment." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he sent a check for \$250 and enclosed a note: "Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check in the amount of \$250 for rent of your
apartment.  I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when
I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1.  It had never been occupied;
2.  there was plenty of heat;
3.  it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously
occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely
too large." Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent
back the following reply: "Dear Sir:  First of all, I cannot
understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain
unoccupied indefinitely.  As for the heat, there is plenty of it
if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment
is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."

under the truck

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he
was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A
caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new
lover, so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that
masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the
act.  The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent
the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do
it in his office.  He thought about the restroom, but that was
too open.  He considered an alley, but figured that was too
unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he
pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and
crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied
with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to
orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not
wanting to lose  his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his
eyes shut and replied, "What?"  He heard, "This is the police.
What the hell are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm checking out
the rear axle, it's busted."  The cop says, "Well, you better
check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5
minutes ago.

______________________________________________________

Ventriloquist Cowboy.....

A ventriloquist cowboy walkin' along a country road saw a rancher
sitting on his porch with his dog:.
Cowboy:  "Hey, cool dog.  Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher:  "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy:  "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog:  "Doin alright"
Rancher:  (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy:  "Is this your owner (pointing at rancher)?"
Dog:  "Yep."
Cowboy:  "How's he treatin you?"
Dog:  "Real good.  He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher:  (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher:  "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy:  "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse:  "Cool."
Rancher:  (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy:  "Is this your owner (pointing at rancher)?"
Horse:  "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treatin you?"
Horse:  "Pretty good, thanks for asking.  He rides me
regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the
barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher:  (total look of amazement)
Cowboy:  "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher:  (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)......
"Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

The Smarter Sex? or the more devious one!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad
one.  Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly
neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the
woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately
we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet
and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our
days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you
completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued,
"And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely
demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands
it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately
puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks,
"Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll
just wait for the police..."

Ballerina At The Bar

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress,
walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy
armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and
goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of
the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and
says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The
bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After
she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and
points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit
and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once
again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says,
"Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After
serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the
the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk
replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up
that high has got to be a ballerina!"

TOOOO Funny!!!

Two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV
with their  parents.  The mother looks over at the father with a
wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "gets" the message,
and they both get up and head towards the stairs.  The mother
turns back to the 2 boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a
minute.  You two stay here and watch TV, and we'll be right back,
Ok?" The two boys nod OK, and the parents take off upstairs.
The older of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on
now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs.  At the top of the
stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and shakes his
head. He goes back downstairs to his little brother. "Come with
me", he says, and the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs.
Halfway up, the older brother turns to his younger brother and
says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who
used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!!!!"

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now,
but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for
about a week, but you can't go back as humans.  What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle,
soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter,
and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over
for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St.
Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we
can keep track of what you're doing.  The week's a freebie."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to
be a stud." "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest
disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord
tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.  "Will you have any
trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy,"
says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the
eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up.
The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling
out of its mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all
of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down
again.

White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of
the Monkees).

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a
building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving
than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly
takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is
occurring, relax and correct itself.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks
otherwise it will digest itself.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan are the only two Disney cartoon
features with both parents that are present and don't die
throughout the movie.

A whale's penis is called a dork.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into
its eyeballs- it will let you go instantly.

Reindeer like to eat bananas.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front
legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one
front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds
received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground,
the person died of natural causes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver
and purple.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July
4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on
August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years
later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World
War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

In the movie Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it
again, Sam."

Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson."

More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air
crashes.

More people are struck by lightning than attacked by sharks.

Cars are the biggest killers of people (except in Victoria where
it's swimming in the surf)!

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

The average man falls asleep within 30 seconds of having sex (if
not during).

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes
them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law
which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider

A mathematical wonder: 111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111
gives the result 12,345,678,987,654,321.

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people
without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the
expression "to get fired."

Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the
South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50
caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before
being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their
ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in
Sweden.

The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All
traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were
chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in
the morning and been too sleepy to realize that *this* was the
day of the changeover.

Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with rejoice."
The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is
from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was,
"No eye gouging." Everything else was allowed, but the only way
to be disqualified was to poke someone's eye out.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

Stewardesses and reverberated are the two longest words (12
letters each) that can be typed using only the left hand.

The longest word that can be typed using only the right hand is
lollipop.

Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile
services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not
re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set
has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in
the air is a skein.

The underside of a horse's hoof is called a frog. The frog peels
off several times a year with new growth.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments.

The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the
shutter on backwards.

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways.
The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated,
dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of
Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and
hiccoughed."

The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms
which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct
order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

The shape of plant collenchyma cells and the shape of the bubbles
in beer foam are the same - they are orthotetrachidecahedrons.

The word 'pound' is abbreviated 'lb.' after the constellation
'libra' because it means 'pound' in Latin, also 'scales'.

The abbreviation for the British Pound Sterling comes from the
same source: it is an 'L' for Libra/Lb. with a stroke through it
to indicate abbreviation. Sames goes for the Italian lira which
uses the same abbreviation ('lira' coming from 'libra'). So
British currency (before it went metric) was always quoted as
"pounds/shillings/pence", abbreviated "L/s/d"
(libra/solidus/denarius).

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the
Australian coat of arms for that reason.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have

The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah
Mat," which means "the king is dead".

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

Camel's milk does not curdle.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean
elephants.

The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald
Reagan.

All porcupines float in water.

Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.

Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?

The world's largest wine cask is in Heidelberg, Germany.

Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator
while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town
hall, you are entitled to receive \$.10 from the town.

St. Stephen is the patron saint of bricklayers.

The first song played on Armed Forces Radio during operation
Desert Shield was "Rock the Casba" by the Clash.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of
yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were
stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up
straight staircases.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus
the name of the Don McLean song.)

Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state
flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. The only nation who's
name begins with an "A",but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanastan.

The names of the three wise monkeys are: Mizaru: See no evil,
Mikazaru: Hear no evil, and Mazaru: Speak no evil.

When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They
actually pass out from sheer terror.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every
year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into
account the weight of all the books that would occupy the
building.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts
- Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

______________________________________________________

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most
expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check
out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the
best for my little kitten on Christmas" The girl at the cash
register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food
without proof that you have a cat.  A lot of old people buy cat
food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying
the cat food for your cat."  The little old lady went home,
picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her
the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and
bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of
Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had
a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.
Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She
was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box
with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to
stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might
have a snake in there."  The little old lady assured her that
there was nothing in the box that would bite her.  So the cashier
put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little
from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of
toilet paper?" Smile

-- THE FACTS ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN --

Relationships:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -
he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on
a semi-regular basis."  When a relationship ends, a woman will
cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and then she will
write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".  Then she will get on
with her life.  A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six
months after the break-up, at 3:00 am, on a Saturday night, he
will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my
life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a
total floozy.  But I want you to know that there's always a
chance for us."  This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You"
drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least
once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men
get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex:

Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay - men prefer 30-40
seconds of foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as
part of the foreplay.

Maturity:

Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17 year old females
can function as adults.  Most 17 year old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Magazines:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women.  This is
because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the
male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light
of day.  Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.
Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Handwriting:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They
just chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, coloured stationary and
they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use
ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's".  It is a royal
pain to read a note from a woman.  Even when she's dumping you,
she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Comedy:

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room,
watching tv, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on.
Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh
uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's
favourite stooge.  The women will roll their eyes and groan and
wait it out.

Bathrooms:

A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of dial soap, and a towel from the
Holiday Inn.  The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 437.  A man would not be able to identify most of
these items.

Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the
store and buys these things.  A man waits till the only items
left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer.  Then he goes
grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good.  by the
time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed
tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.  Of
course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less
lane.

Shoes:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit,
and then slip on Reebok sneakers.  She will carry her dress shoes
in a plastic bag from Saks.  When a woman gets to work, she will
put on her dress shoes.  Five minutes later she will kick then
off because her feet are under the desk.  A man will wear the
same pair of shoes all day.

Leg warmers:

Leg warmers are sexy.  A woman, even if she's walking the dog or
doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.  She can wear
them any time she wants.  A man can only wera leg warmers if he
is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus
Line".

Going Out:

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready
to go out.  When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means
she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring,
finishes putting on her makeup...

Cats:

Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women
aren't looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances
and best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes
and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in
the house.

Low Blows:

Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on tv.
One of the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says, "Oh,
gee. That must have hurt."  Tha man groans and double over, and
actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing up:

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

David Letterman:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always

Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants
that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his
laundry.  When he is finally out of clothes, he will wera a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of
clothes to the laundromat. Men expect to meet beautiful women at
the laundromat.  This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old
episodes of "Love, American Style"

Weddings:

cermony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Socks:

Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white
sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks.  Socks that are cut way
below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have
a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Nicknames:

If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for
lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and
Michelle.  But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky,
they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head,
Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.

Eating out:

and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will
each throw in \$20 bills, even though it's only for \$22.50.  None
of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit
they want change back.  When the girls get their check, out come
the pocket calculators.

Mirrors:

Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in
any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe

Menopause:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes.
The nature and degree of these changes varies with the
individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he
buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving
gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:

Men see the telephone as a communication tool.  They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people.  A woman
can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home,
she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Directions:

If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in
unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask
for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness.  Men
will never stop and ask for directions.  Men will drive in a
circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like
I've found a new way to get there." and "I know I'm in the
general neighbourhood, I recognize that 7-11 store."

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.  The last man
who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

Richard Gere:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick
guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Same as above, but reversed.  Same reasons.

Toys:

Little girls love to play with toys.  Then when they reach
the age of 11 0r 12, they lose interest.  Men never grow out of
their obsession with toys.  As they get older, their toys simply
become more expensive and silly and impractical.  Examples of
men's toys: little miniature tvs, car phones, complicated juicers
and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve
cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks beeps,
and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

Plants:

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on
vacation. The man waters the plants.  The woman comes home 5 or 6
days later to an apartment full of dead plants.  No one knows why
this happens.

Cameras:

Men take photography very seriously.  They'll shell out \$4000
for state-of-the-art equipment, and build dark rooms and take
photography classes.  Women purchase Kodak Instamatics.  Of
course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Locker rooms:

In the locker room men talk about three things: money,
football and wome.  They exaggerate about money, they don't know
football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate
room - sex.  And not in abstract terms either.  They are
extremely graphic and technical and they never lie.

Garages:

Women use garages to park their cars and store their
lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things.  They hang license
plates in garages, they watch tv in garages, and they build
useless, lopsided benches in garages.

Movies:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
scene.  This is because every movie in the history of movies
has been produced by a man.  The only actor who has ever appeared
nude in the movies is Richard Gere.  This is another reason why
men hate him.

Jewelry:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry.  A man can get away
with wearing one ring and that's it.  Any more than that and he
will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was
driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer
says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to
her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE
SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman says, "May I see your
license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he
say?" The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."  The
woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are
from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex
with a woman I have ever had." The woman turns to her husband and
asks," What did he say?" "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man
yells.

CAUTION NEW VIRUSES!!!!!!!
Be on the lookout for any of these:

Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
thene-mails everyone about what it did.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it
is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
100MB, and then slowly expands to 200MB.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Deletes all old files.

Ellen Degeneres virus: You can no longer insert disks into your
computer.

Titanic virus: Your whole computer goes down.

Disney virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.