1) Why are men like lawn mowers? If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

2) How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix? It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.

3) What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

4) How do we know men invented maps? Who else would make an inch into a mile?

5) What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need ........ A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

6) How does a man keep his youth? By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

7) What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men? Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

8) Where do you have to go to find a man

The Teacher calls on Little Johnny. "Johnny," she says, "I have a math question for you." Little Johnny says, "Okay, fire away!" The teacher says, "There are three crows sitting on a fence. A hunter shoots one. How many are left?" Little Johnny quickly responds,"None!" The teacher asks, "Could you explain that answer?" Little Johnny says, "Sure. The crow that gets shot, falls off the fence dead, and the other two fly away, afraid of the noise." "Actually", the teacher replies, "The answer is two, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE THINKING!" Little Johnny says, "Now I have a question for you!" The teacher says, "Go ahead!" Little Johnny says, "There are three women walking down the street eating ice cream cones. One of them is licking it, one of them is sucking it, and one of them is biting it. Which one is married?" After thinking for a moment, the teacher responds, "The one who is sucking it." "Actually," replies Johnny, "It's the one wearing the wedding ring, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE THINKING!"

Crazy Mike, the Biker, walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny . . . keep potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength"and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" Crazy Mike says, "Gimme 3 boxes." The next day, Crazy Mike walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay." The pharmracist replies, "BEN GAY?!?!?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on THAT, are you?" Crazy Mike says, "Naw, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up!!

Dont you Remember?

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it. "Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds."Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Dating vs. Marriage

When you are dating...farting is never an issue When you are married...You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times. When you are dating...He takes you out to have a good time. When you are married...He brings home a 6-pack, and says "What are you going to drink?" When you are dating...He holds your hand in public. When you are married...He flicks your ear in public. When you are dating...A single bed for 2 isn't that bad. When you are married...A king size bed feels like an Army cot. When you are dating...You are turned on at the sight of him naked When you are married...You think to yourself... "was he always this hairy?" When you are dating...You enjoy foreplay. When you are married...You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone?" When you are dating...He hugs you, when he walks by you for no apparent reason. When you are married...he grabs your boob any chance he gets. When you are dating...You picture the two of you together, growing old together. When you are married...You wonder who will die first. When you are dating...Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy" When you are married...When you look at him, you want to claw at his eyes. When you are dating...He knows what the "hamper" is. When you are married...The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage. When you are dating...He understands if you "aren't in the mood". When you are married...He says it's your job. When you are dating...He understands that you have "male" friends. When you are married...He thinks they are all out to steal you away. When you are dating...He likes to "discuss" things. When you are married...He develops a "blank" stare. When you are dating...He calls you by name. When you are married...He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She." A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand bungee-jumping Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own = bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up, he's got a couple broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pinata? MEN JUST WONT LISTEN A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants Ladies Room but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There, next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively: WW WA PP ATR Making the mistake sooooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He careful pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice." So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Ah ha," he thought, "No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services!" So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button... When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off, so in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the "Automatic Tampon Removal Button." "By the way, your penis is under your pillow." THE PARTY A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out - caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, Two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" "Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... "HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?" The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads: FIRST THE WOMEN=20 40-ish.................. 48 Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will Athletic................ Flat-chested Average looking......... Ugly Beautiful............... Pathological liar Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin Educated................ College dropout Emotionally Secure...... Medicated Feminist................ Fat; ball buster Free spirit............. Substance user Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut Fun..................... Annoying Gentle.................. Comatose Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic New-Age................. All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only Open-minded............. Desperate Outgoing................ Loud Passionate.............. Loud Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic Professional............ Real Witch Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat Romantic................ Looks better by candle light Voluptuous.............. Very Fat Weight proportional to height............. Hugely Fat Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking Widow................... Nagged first husband to death Young at heart.......... Toothless crone THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST=20 40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking............ Arrogant Honest.................. Pathological Liar Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent Mature.................. Until you get to know him Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer Subject: Italian Joke Attention-Attention (Must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want to piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel and there is no sheit onna my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he calla me a sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy. Subject: Looney Tunes Personality Test Which is your Favorite Character? 1) Tazmanian Devil 2) Tweety 3) Marvin the Martian 4) Scooby Doo 5) Daffy Duck 6) Peppe Le Pew 7) Sylvester 8) Speedy Gonzalos 9) Bugs Bunny By picking this favorite character....we can tell now what kind of person, you are!!!...HMMMMM, do we really what to know? ROFL GOT YOUR CHARACTER ??? CAN'T CHANGE YOUR MIND NOW!! Please Standby.....Wait a SEC.....No Fair Peeking !!! >> =3Do) ................................................................. ........ .... ........................................... . If you Like ....... 1) Tazmanian Devil-=3DA0 You are Wacky and Crazy!!! You Are the Center of attention at parties. You love Food and are always Causing Chaos. When you are on a date, you're the one who makes the 1st move. Love comes and goes for you. Can you Say * PLAYER* ?!? 2) Tweety- aaaaw you're soo CUTE!! Everyone Loves you cause your so adorable physically and mentally. Face it, People are Jealous of you. Love is always there for you. You're the typical *Long-Relationship* Kinda person. You LOVE Cuddling But P.D.A is not your style. If something goes wrong in relationships (Family, etc...) you always go to your friends for advice. Tweety-Lovers are great listeners. 3) Marvin the Martian- You are DEFINETELY in control of your life. People say you're a *Control Freak*. You're the kind of person that is ALWAYS Paranoid with unimportant issues, But that's ok cause there is always someone there to relieve that paranoia. Love is very valuable to you. Relationships have been Hardships for you but just remember that you're in control. 4) Scooby Doo- Lets face it, people around you find you quite annoying sometimes. Whether it'd be the whining or Gnagging, but it's driving your friends Crazy. If you have problems in life, just keep them on the *DL*. To get on the Positive side of things, you are very helpful and you love to solve mysteries and problems. Love is a condition far away from your mind. The best advice for Scooby doo Lovers is to Deal with your problems on your OWN. 5) Daffy Duck- You are annoying in this cute way. People love being around you because of your utter Goofiness. Making People Laugh is your specialty. Daffy Lovers think there is a soulmate out there for everyone. Love is something you haven't found deeply yet but the *soulmate* will be there, CLOSER than you think. Humm, this was Maggie 6) Peppe le Piu- You are the sweetest and most lovable person there is.Guys/Girls love being around your *Charmed* personality. When there is something you want, you will TRY to get it, No question about it, Peppe-Lovers don't take NO for an answer. It's Hard to please you but it's very easy for you to please others with your endearing inner-self. Love is here for you and always will be. Not only talking about b/fs-g/fs, but Family or friends. If someone lets you down, there is always someone else that loves you and is there. I'd have to say that Peppe-lovers are the luckiest. 7) Sylvester- You are very Fun-Loving and easy to please. People always are talking behind your back because of their utter jealousy. Laughing is what you do best. Crying comes once in a life time for you. You are very Unique in a good way. People want to be like you and find you as a *Cool* person. Love is easy for you to find. Your motto would probably be "Smile" 8) Speedy Gonzalos- You are ambitious and always heading for your goal.You are a very *Fast* thinker and intelligent. It's often = Genetic in Speedy- Lovers. Love comes once in a life-time, unfortunately,but you always have your family supporting you. For you, FAMILY always comes 1st. 9) Bugs Bunny- You are definetely the greatest friend a person can ever have.You're wise and always thinking of ideas. Bugs-lovers have nothing to worry about in life cause you always have solutions for everthing. Love is ALWAYS there for you. Fooling around is your specialty. The word Relationship is not. Two boys were skinny dippin and the one couldn't help noticing the size of the other's manhood, so he asked "How did ya get it that big?" The other boy responded "Well I rub it down every night with lard." Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again there was a comparison made with no results. The first boy said "I did what ya told me. Every night I have rubbed it down with Crisco." The other boy exclaimed "Well, no wonder, ... that's shortening." A middle aged woman goes for surgery and while she is on the table she has a cardiac arrest and then has a near death experience. During her near death experience, she sees God and asks God if this is it. Is she going to die? God replies no that she has at least 30 or 40 years left to live. So she decides that while she is in the hospital, since she will be alive for so much longer, that she may as well have a face lift done as well as a tummy tuck and liposuction, and her hair dyed. After all this is done, she leaves the hospital and goes out on the street and gets hit by an ambulance and dies. When she sees God, she asks what happened, after all she still had 30 or 40 years left to live. And God replies " I'm sorry, to tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you", The Teacher calls on Little Johnny. "Johnny," she says, "I have math question for you." Little Johnny says, "Okay, fire away!" The teacher says, "There are three crows sitting on a fence. A hunter shoots one. How many are left?" Little Johnny quickly responds, "None!" The teacher asks, "Could you explain that answer?" Little Johnny says, "Sure. The crow that gets shot, falls off the fence dead, and the other two fly away, afraid of the noise." "Actually," the teacher replies, "The answer is two, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE THINKING!" Little Johnny says, "Now I have a question for you!" The teacher says, "Go ahead!" Little Johnny says, "There are three women walking down the street eating ice cream cones. One of them is licking it, one of them is sucking it, and one of them is biting it. Which one is married?" After thinking for a moment, the teacher responds, "The one who is sucking it." "Actually," replies Johnny, "It's the one wearing the wedding ring, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE THINKING!" To determine YOUR personality check the gift you'd most like to get: 1. Candy 2. Flowers 3. A sweet poem 4. Sex 5. Dinner/Dancing 6. Waffle iron If you answered... 1. CANDY It means that... You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share...OR you're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything even true love. If you answered... 2. FLOWERS It means that... You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture...OR you get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die. If you answered... 3. A SWEET POEM It means that... You're a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word...OR you're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word. If you answered... 4. SEX It means that...You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who is not afraid to express your sexuality with another consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be meaningful and beautiful...OR you're a filthy degenerate who is no better than a rutting animal living solely for one carnal experience after another. If you answered... 5. DINNER/DANCING It means that... You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight...OR you're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the dance floor. If you answered... 6. WAFFLE IRON It means that... You're a practical person who believes in gifts that you can actually use...OR you have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving kitchen appliances. An American woman, a British woman and an Italian woman were having lunch. The American woman said, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to clean the house anymore. If he wanted it clean he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then on the third day, voila! My husband had cleaned the entire house!" The British woman agreed, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to do the laundry anymore. If he wanted it done he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then on the third day, voila! My husband had done both his and my laundry!" The Italian woman chimed in, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to cook anymore. If he wanted home cooking he would have to either go by his mothers or cook for himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then on the third day, I began to see a little out of my left eye." Because I'm A Guy..... Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator. Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer. Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue. Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like " Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-how the heck could HE know where we're going? Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't. Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is OK. I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too? Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection? Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating. Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest. Bra shopping..... A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?" "Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed him a sea of bras in every shape, size ,color and material. "Actually, replied the salesclerk, "even with all of this variety--there are really only 3 types of bras" Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" More confused, the man asked "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded "It is all really quite simple" "The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills". A pastor of a church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answerthat question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each goup was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation. The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their atention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have a better model. The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find youself spending half you paycheck on accessories for it. A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now". So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis. So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tatoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie. So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it! In-tell-u-gents A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a "redneck" joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something..." "I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The first guy says: "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times." sexual harrasment?? A manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, by the way, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?" He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why no, sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags." joke of the day Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave." who is truly into commitment? A mental hospital 9) How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals" STOPPED BY THE LAW! A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over.The man pulls over, and the officer approaches the car. State cop: "License and registration please." Man: "I`m sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?" State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph." Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65." Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!" State cop: "I`m also citing you for having a tail light out." Man: "But officer, I wasn`t aware it was out." Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it`s been out for two months." State cop: "I`m also fining you for not wearing your seat belt." Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car." Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt." Man: "Listen you dumb *&^%$, shut your !@#$` mouth!!!" State cop: "Ma`am, does he always talk to you this way?" Wife: "Only when he`s drunk......." OTHER THINGS.... 1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. 2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. 3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. 4. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; Then, Pow! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..." 5. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. 6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. 7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery! " Martha replies,"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!" 8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! 9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her. 10. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. A BRIDGE OR WOMEN'S EMOTIONS? A man was walking along the beach in California and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, " I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, but I can only grant one. The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly, Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii. The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask. The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't. basically, what makes them tick." The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?" ADDICTED INTERNET JUNKIE 1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy - for a year!!!!!" 2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control. 3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL." 4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ instead of ICU! 5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes. 6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer. 7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car. 8. Tech support calls YOU for help. 9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out. 10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza. 11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it. 12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing. 13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said. 14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago. 15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to. 16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy. 17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile. 18. You say......."Where did the time go??" 19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on. 20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 21. .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods....... 22. Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small. 23. You think faster than the computer.<----Not difficult for me 24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and kisses. 25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you. 26. You're on the phone and say BRB. 27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes. 28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL ASAP". 29. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead. 30. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life. A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!" Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count? A: Your date has to chew before she swallows.... Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts? A: They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them. Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A:"I don't know why you're shaking...she's gonna EAT me!" Q: What is the difference between pink and purple? A: The grip Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally." Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant? A: Burger King didn't cover his Whopper. Q: Why did the condom cross the road? A: Because it was pissed off. Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water? A: "It might take me a while to get hard I just got layed last night." Q: What did one boob say to the other? A: Don't hang so low, they'll think we're nuts. Q: What is the diffrence between a frog and a horny toad? A: One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it rub-it! Q: What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? A: They can both smell it but they can't eat it Q: How is the card game Bridge and sex alike? A: If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand. Viagra & Doan's Pills The older guys are now taking a new combination Viagra and Doan's Pills So the back won't peter out and the peter won't back out.. Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?" The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue." The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !" Ads in Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels . . . I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you." Fabric Softener: Remember this one men...:-) My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for, then, I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) "Married" (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like "Cripes". For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of "Gosh?" of the church of "Holy Moly". I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in "Heck"? Morning Differences: isn't that the truth!!! :-) Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "how can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, "Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?" I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god . . . give me your hand . . . it won't be long now . . . " Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "Sexy Senior Citizen". You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. Reverse Life Cycle: I really like this idea! The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating . . . you finish off as a gleam. Prisons: now that is an interesting thought. Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials: The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast forwarded through the whole thing. Phone-in Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote . . . They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone." (Into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (Into phone) "I'm not in the mood." Answering Machine: hee hee, Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is "Share the love." [Beep]. "Uh, yeah . . . this is the VD clinic calling . . . Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love." Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of men, on the topic of happiness. He shouted "I can prove to you that the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have! Out to prove this he glanced at his audience. And he saw a man at the right hand corner, smiling, "Sir, How often do have sex ?" the philosopher asked. "Once a month." the man answered. Looking for another happy face, he spotted a man in the middle, having a bigger smile. And he asked him "Sir, How often do you have sex?" "Once a week." the man shouted. Trying to prove his theory further, he saw another man laughing. "You seem to be a very happy man, So how often do you have sex?" "Well, ... everyday" the happy man answered. "There, I am right ...the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have" said the philosopher. But far off at the end of the room, he saw a man with his hands in the air. Laughing and jumping with so much happiness. So the philosopher said to him "You sure look like a very happy man?" "Yes,Yes .. Yes," answered the very happy man "So how often do you get to have sex?" the philosopher asked The man answered "Once a year...." The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher asked the man "WHAT ??? ...Then why are you so happy ??" The man while laughing, and jumping said: "IT'S TONIGHT... IT'S TONIGHT!!" Three guys are walking down the street when they're suddenly stopped by a big black guy who jumps out in front of them. "You better have ten inches of dick between the three of you, or I might have to have some fun with my knife," he says, pulling out a switchblade. The first guy coolly whips out his five-incher. The second guy isn't far behind with his four-incher, and the third produces his one-incher. Satisfied, the black guy lets them go. The three head off around the corner, where the first guy gasps, "Good thing I had my five-incher." The second guy says, "Yeah, and we're lucky I had my four inches." "No kidding," says the third guy. "Thank God I had a hard on!" "Ho Ho Freakin' Ho!" T'was the night before Christmas-Old Santa was pissed He cussed out the elves and threw down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have a good mind to scrap the whole works I've busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of "Thanks Santa"-what do I hear The old lady bitches cause I work late at night The elves want more money-The reindeer all fight Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter They say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money And the kids these days-they all are the pits They want the impossible...Those mean little shits I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's-No request for them They want computers and robots...They think I'm IBM If you think that's bad...just picture this Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss They pull on my nose-they grab at my beard And if I don't smile...the parents think I'm weird Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason I found me a blonde..I'm going SOUTH for the season!! "NUNS" Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!? "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted. "ALIENS" Two aliens land in the middle of the Australian outback, near a recently abandoned gas station. The first alien goes up to the gas pump (which he assumes is an earthling) and says, "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump doesn't say anything. The alien gets annoyed and demands again, "Take me to your leader!!" When the gas pump still doesn't reply, the alien gets mad and tells the pump thata if he doesn't start talking he will blast him. ...At this point the second alien nervously interrupts, "Er, Sir, don't think you should...." But the first alien will not be deterred and he blasts away. There is a huge explosion and after the smoke clears, the blackened aliens discover themselves lying 100 yards away from their destroyed space ship..."You see, Sir," said the second alien, "I didn't think it would be a wise idea to mess around with a guy who can wrap his dick around his waist and stick it in his ear. A woman is in a gambling casino. At the roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play." A man near-by suggests she play her age. She puts her money on number 35. The wheel is spun and 43 comes up. The woman faints. Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. The she replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President." A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jag XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?" A farmer is milking his cow. As he is milking, a fly comes along and flies into the cows ear. A little bit later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk. The farmer looks up and says, "Hmph. In one ear, out the utter." A blonde was recently hired at the office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to prove her worth to her new bosses, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.""Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf." THE FAMILY STRESS TEST Score: 0 if the statement is never true 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true 3 if it is always true. 1. ____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk". 2. ____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial. 3. ____ The cat is on Valium. 4. ____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Fuck you", he turned to the bride and said "Fuck you", and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc. This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world, we just live in it. After mass a little boy told the priest, "when I grow up, I am going to give you money. "Well thank-you", the prist relied "but why?" Because my daddy says you are one of the poorest preachers we,ve ever had! A father was at the beach with his children when the four year old son ran up tp him, grabbed his hand and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to heaven" the dad replied. The boy thought for a moment and then said, "did God throw him back down?" A wife invited some people to dinner, at the table, she turned to her six year old daughter and said, "would you like to say the blessing?" I don't know what to say the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear mommy say", the mother answered. The daughter bowed her head and said-- "Lord, why on the earth did I invite these people to dinner!" Beer drinking Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl. It's a po-lice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What fer?", asked Bubba. Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each stuck a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We's on the patch 50th anniversary A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, Do you remember this?" He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" she asks. He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out." She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?" Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, "Mission Accomplished." WARNING: Might be unsuitable for some of you due to vulgarity. Giving Head Penis breath, a lover's dread Is what you get when you give head Unpleasant as it tends to be Be grateful that he doesn't pee It's times like this that you wonder why You bothered reaching for his fly But it's too late can't be a tease Accept the facts, get on your knees You know you've got a job to do So open wide and shove it through Lick the tip then take it all don't drag your teeth or he might bawl Slide up and down, use your tongue And feel the precum start to run Your jaw aches and your neck is numb So when the fuck's he gonna cum Just when you can't take anymore You hear your lover's mighty roar And when he hits that real high note You feel it oozing down your throat Salty, fishy, sticky stuff Okay already, that's enough Let's switch you say, before you gag And what revenge you're on the rag. A Blonde And The Alligator Shoes" A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either! >> 4 letter words A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother "so how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook..." THE ARK.... Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice."There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tips of your penises. All of you males, take off your dicks and hand it to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get you dicks back." After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land yet." "Sh*t!" and out went Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?" "Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece of paper. "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!!" This is cute A young man was glad to finally be invited to dinner at his girlfriend's parents' house. Predictably, he was really nervous about meeting her parents, and by the time he arrived he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the first course, the young man realized he couldn't hold his fart in one second longer without exploding. He cut the cheese - a tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed for his faux pas, the young man let another one rip. "Spot!" the mother called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. Just one more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!" Wisdom Teeth One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60." "That's still too expensive," the man says. "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday Things to Ponder If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make = terrible? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? "I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes? There were these two big burly football players playing golf behind a twosome of fags. The big guys kept hitting the ball right up into the two fags, almost hitting them several times. Finally, one of the fags drove his cart back and said, "You guys! If you don't quit hitting your balls up between us, we're going to sue the shit out of you!" And he drove back up. A couple holes later, the first jock got up to the tee box, hit a long drive right between the two fags. The next jock teed up and socked his ball all the way up, hitting one fag and knocking him to the ground. The other fag came screaming back and exclaimed, "Now you've done it! I told you not to hit your balls into us and look what you did!! We're going to sue the shit out of you for this, you big brutes!" "Awww, suck my dick," was the big jock's reply. The fag cupped his hands and hollered, "Bruce! Get up! We're going to settle out of court!" Subject: "The Easter Dress" At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the alter wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes. And my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." Subject: Old Geezer It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married=20 a young, twenty year old woman. A year later, she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse walked into the waiting room and congratulated the old fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" The old geezer answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year, the young woman gave birth again. Once again, the same nurse approached the old guy and begged the question, "How do you do it?" Again, he replied, "You've got to keep the old motor running." Well, sure enough, another year passed and the young woman gave birth yet again. The nurse said to the old fellow, "I don't get it - you must be quite a man." The old geezer again reasoned, "You've got to keep that old motor running." "Well," said the nurse, "you'd better change the oil in that old motor because this one's black!" Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Ole replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?" 1. Our Little Johnny ---------------------------- The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!" Harley joke A young man goes to a Harley dealership to purchase his dream bike. The merchant asked him if he wants extra chroming as an added charge. The man wants it, but does not have enough money. Now the young man is worried that the chrome on his new bike will rust. "Not to worry" said the dealer. "There's an old biker trick. Keep a jar of Vaseline in your jacket pocket. That will keep the chrome protected!" The young man is happy and drives away on his new hog. Later, the young man meets a pretty woman and falls in love. She invites him to her parents house for dinner, but warns him "Our family tradition is whoever speaks first after dinner will have to do the dishes, so be careful!" After an enjoyable meal, the family sits around the dinner table. The young man is aware of the family tradition, so decides to kiss his new love in front of the parents. He kisses her deeply and no one speaks. The young man again tries to make someone speak. He grabs the mother, puts her on the dinner table and has sex with her. Again, no one says a word. The young man perks up, he hears in the distance the roll of thunder with the threat of rain. Frantically, he reaches into his jacket and pulls out the Vaseline jar. The father jumps up quickly and shouts "Alright! I'll do the damn dishes!!! Subject: HUMOR-SICK: How to say someone is stupid 01. The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead. 02. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. 03. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm. 04. A few clowns short of a circus. 05. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 06. A few beers short of a six-pack. 07. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. 08. The cheese slid off his cracker. 09. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. 10. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. 11. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. 12. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. 13. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way 14. One taco short of a combination plate. 15. All foam, no beer. 16. As smart as bait. 17. Chimney's clogged. 18. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. 19. Forgot to pay his brain bill. 20. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. 21. Receiver is off the hook 22. Skylight leaks a little 23. Slinky's kinked. 24. Surfing in Nebraska. 25. Too much yardage between the goalposts. 26. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 27. Not the sharpest tool in the shed. 28. A room temperature IQ. 29. Bright as Alaska in December. 30. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 31. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. 33. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. 34. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 35. If he had another brain it would be lonely. A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!" Subject: Prayers and headlines One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the grandfather died. About a month or two later, the father heard his son saying his prayers again, "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers, "God Bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife, "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." His wife replied, "YOU HAD A BAD DAY!? The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning Strange Stories: Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera. While it was recording, remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.) Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed? Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some booze pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." Seattle: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. Newark: A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that he saw the for sale ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. And Finally, Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. TRUE FUNNY STORIES ********************* I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the Emergency room right away. ********************* Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the River, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there. ********************* I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make storewide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance." ********************* A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change. ********************* A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. ********************* A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture - of handcuffs. ********************* Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself. ********************* Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence. ********************* R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri. ********************* A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two ********************* A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. Government Work A government employee sits in his office and out of boredom decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides and takes it home with him. While he's polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for a ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish, "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish, "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." And, POOF! he's back in his government office again. Remember--When you are having a bad day, and it seems like everybody is trying to tick you off, that it takes 42 muscles to produce a frown, but only 4 muscles to work the trigger of a good sniper rifle. MARTHA STEWART LIVING FOR REDNECKS PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are. DATING (Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected home Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this "Special occasion" DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. 6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. Computer Joke A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." ------------------------------------------------------------ Strange epitaphs you might enjoy: On the grave of Ezekial Aikie in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102 The Good Die Young. In a London, England cemetery: Ann Mann Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived and old maid But died and old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767 In a Ribbesford, England cemetery: Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the devil sent him Anna. Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast Pardon me For not rising. Memories of an accident in Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake. In a Silver City, Nevada cemetery: Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw. A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange Here lies an honest lawyer And that is Strange. On Margaret Daniel's grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia: She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her. In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England. On the 22nd of June --Jonathan Diddle-- Went out of tune. Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie: Here lies the body of our Anna Done to death by a banana It wasn't the fruit that laid her low But the skin of the thing that made her go. More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London,England. Gone away Owin' more Than he could pay. On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod: Pease shelled out and went to God. The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip: Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp=20 filled with "R. E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid." Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903 - Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was! In a Thurmont, Maryland cemetery: Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go. While the US stock market is at an all time high, the ups and downs frighten a lot of small investors like me. I went to my financial advisor at the bank and asked if he was worried. He replied that he slept like a baby. I was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?" He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours." A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window: "Pull over!" "No," she shouts back, ... " a pair of socks!" THE DRUNK..... A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." How You Spend Your "Dash" I read of a man who stood to speak At the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her tombstone From the beginning ... to the end. He noted that first came her date of birth And spoke the following date with tears, But he said what mattered most of all Was the dash between those years. (1900-1970) For that dash represents all the time That she spent alive on earth.... And now only those who loved her Know what that little line is worth. For it matters not, how much we own; The cars...the house...the cash. What matters is how we live and love And how we spend our dash. So think about this long and hard... Are there things you'd like to change? For you never know how much time is left. That can still be rearranged. If we could just slow down enough To consider what's true and real, And always try to understand The way other people feel. And be less quick to anger, And show appreciation more And love the people in our lives Like we've never loved before. If we treat each other with respect, And more often wear a smile... Remembering that this special dash Might only last a little while. So, when your eulogy's being read With your life's action's to rehash... Would you be proud of the things they say About how you spent your dash? Spend it well. A DRUNK.... A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!" ONE FOR THE ROAD One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy." THE LITTLE FLY There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh horse manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. Dead. The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit THIS IS SCARY!!!! THINK ABOUT IT!!! It is time to elect a world leader and your vote counts. Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates. Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening. Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs. Which of these candidates is your choice?? Scroll down, please... V V V V Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt Candidate B is Winston Churchill Candidate C is Adolph Hitler ENERGIZER BUNNY FOUND DEAD!! Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42 last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going. "Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming... Tickle Me, Elmo A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The Personal Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personal Manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personal Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personal Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sowing them between Elmo's legs. The personal managers starts laughing hysterically and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles." Bye Son A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time." "That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good-bye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. LATE SHIFT! A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "that's my mother up there!" "She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!" Understanding Your Paycheck Gross pay: $1222.02 Income Tax Outgo Tax State Tax Interstate Tax 244.40 45.21 61.10 5.89 County Tax City Tax Rural Tax Back Tax 6.11 12.22 4.44 1.11 Front Tax Side Tax Up Tax Down Tax 1.16 1.61 2.22 1.11 Tic-Tacs Thumbtacks Carpet Tacks Stadium Tax 1.98 3.93 0.98 0.69 Flat Tax Surtax Ma'am Tax Parking Fee 8.32 3.46 2.60 5.00 No Parking Fee F.i.c.a. T.g.i.f. Life Ins. 10.00 81.88 9.95 5.85 Health Ins. Disability Ability Liability Ins. 16.23 2.50 0.25 3.41 Dental Ins. Mental Ins. Reassurance. Coffee 4.50 4.33 0.11 6.85 Coffee Cups Calendar Floor Rental Chair Rental 66.51 3.06 16.85 4.32 Desk Rental Union Dues Union Dont's Cash Advances 4.32 5.85 3.77 0.69 Cash Retreats Overtime Undertime Eastern Time 121.35 1.26 54.83 9.00 Central Time Mountain Time Pacific Time GMT 8.00 7.00 6.00 24.00 Bathroom Time Time Out Oxygen Water 4.44 12.21 10.02 16.54 Electricity Heat Air Conditioning 38.23 51.42 46.83 Misc 144.38 Take Home Pay: $0000.02 (This is where the expression "just my 2 cents" came from...) Temperature Issues 60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on 50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat 45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert 40 degrees - You can see your breath Californians shiver uncontrollably Minnesotans go swimming 35 degrees - Italian cars don't start 32 degrees - Water freezes 30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia 25 degrees - Ohio water freezes Californians weep pitifully Minnesotans eat ice cream Canadians go swimming 20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless New York City water freezes Miami residents plan vacations farther south 15 degrees - French cars don't start Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you 10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going 5 degrees - American cars don't start 0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts -10 degrees - German cars don't start Eyes freeze shut when you step outside -15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects Miami residents cease to exist -20 degrees - Cat insist on sleeping in pyjamas with you Politicans actually do something about the homeless Minnesotans shovel snow off roof Japanese cars don't start -25 degrees - Too cold to think You need jumper cables to get the driver going -30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath Swedish cars don't start -40 degrees - Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button Canadians put on sweater Your car helps you plan your trip south -50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes Alaskans close the bathroom window -80 degrees - Polar bears move south Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game -90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets -100 degrees - Hell freezes over Clinton finally tells all. Dirty Your FunnyBone A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative. The Parrot, being a male, sneaks out and screws the next door neighbours turkeys and rushes back home, but not before being caught in the act. The next door neighbours knock on the door and explain what the Parrot has been doing. The owners of the parrot reprimand him and tell him if he doesn't stop it he's going to shave the parrots head. That night the Parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and screws his neighbours turkeys again. The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head. The following morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot, they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in the church. The parrot is doing fine. "Grooms side to the left and Brides side to the right". Until two bald guys walk in and he says, "And you two Turkey fvckers up on the piano with me!!!" COMPUTER GENDER? A pastor who had previously been a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered by what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine or the masculine gender, and to give four reasons for that recommendation. The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with others of their kind is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. 25 Things Women Want To Hear In 1999 1) Gee Sweetheart, let's skip dinner tonight The only thing I'm hungry for is you. 2) Wow, I just don' t know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it. 3) Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us. 4) Oh go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women. 5) What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies. 6) How about I give you a nice massage and foot rub. I really don't like sex that much anyway. 7) You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman. 8) What a break, I won a prize on the radio station....tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!! 9) Be careful Darling...don't let it go too far down your throat. 10) Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed. 11) While your up Sweetheart, can you get me a glass of water. I think I've had enough beer. 12) Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping. 13) There ought to be a law against those porno movies. Can you believe that there are guys that would actually want their wives to do those things they show? 14) Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie. 15) I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche. 16) You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette. 17) Look at that...disgusting. Why would she wear a short skirt like that with no panties? 18) Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions. 19) My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house. 20) If the guys call and want me to go to that new strip club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight. 21) You know Sweetheart, I'm really glad you don't like doing all those dirty things they write about in those stupid sex advice columns. 22) Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up. 23) If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines. 24) You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough. 25) Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework. oh!!!...this was my morning laugh!!!! The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start ?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my goodness!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep ?" asked Mrs Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in." Mrs Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your ...... eh .......... equipment ?". "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod ??", Mrs Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted ! What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts. Goldie Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?" "Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book. Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?" The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading. Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?" It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly askedthe man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day youdied." "No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course Ifell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!" The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy.", he thinks to himself. "Very well.", the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died.", said the angel. "Ok. Picture this.", says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator...." 100 REASONS IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY! (No offense intended or implied) 01) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 02) Movie nudity is virtually always female. 03) You know stuff about tanks. 04) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. 05) Monday Night Football. 06) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. 07) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 08) You can open all your own jars. 09) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight. 10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. 11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying. 12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews. 13) All your orgasms are real. 14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex. 15) Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards). 16) You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go. 17) You understand why Stripes is funny. 18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 19) Your last name stays put. 20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade. 21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 22) You can kill your own food. 23) The garage is all yours. 24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. 26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow. 27) You never have to clean a toilet. 28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes. 29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 30) Wedding plans take care of themselves. 31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 32) Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 33) The National College Cheerleading Championship. 34) You don't have to shave below your neck. 35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry. 36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night. 37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices. 38) You can write your name in the snow. 39) You can get into a trivial pissing contest for the hell of it. 40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color. 41) Chocolate is just another snack. 42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.) 43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 44) Flowers fix everything. 45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough. 49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store. 50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think. 51) Foreplay is optional. 52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room. 54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by. 56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 57) Car mechanics tell you the truth. 58) You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut. 59) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me. 60) The world is your urinal. 61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you. 62) You get to jump up and slap stuff. 63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 64) One mood, all the time 65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too sleazy. 67) you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing. 69) Same work...more pay! 70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. 71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75. 73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back. 74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. 75) You don't mooch off others' desserts. 76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 77) The remote control is yours and yours alone. 78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 79) ESPN's SportsCenter. 80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a = little gift. 81) Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers. 82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 84) You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed. 86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it." 88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies. 89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary. 90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood. 92) You think the idea of punting a small dog or cat is funny. 93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room. 94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet. 95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with = them. 98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?" 99) Baywatch 100) There's always a game on somewhere. 10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING A GUY 1) You have to take out the garbage. 2) The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $250,000. 3) No sofas in our restrooms. 4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs. 5) Even if you get you hand caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry. 6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years. 7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours. 8) You have to wear ties. 9) you can't flirt your way out of a jam. 10) "Women and children first." Hand Cream Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the 2nd nun..."a soap dispenser." To test her theory she also pulls his dick...and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells..."Look, hand cream!" Helpful Priest A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool, chops,etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means, but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down in the grass and roll around. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try did not take and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each twice for good measure, brings them back and upon returning to home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No", she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn." If you were buying candy and had your choice of the following, which would you choose? BABY RUTH 3 MUSKETEERS BUTTERFINGER SNICKERS HERSHEY'S ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS CLARK BAR GOOD 'n PLENTY ENERGY BAR CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS Ok...now that we have your choice, this is what research says about you!! And NO......You can't change your mind once you scroll down!! So think carefully about what your choice will be... --------------------------------------------------------------- Baby Ruth ~ Sweet Loving Cuddly. You Love all warm fuzzy items. A lil nutty. Sometimes you need a lil treat like an ice cream cone at the end of the day. 3 Musketeers ~ You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your sabre. Butter Finger ~ Smooth articulate, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. Snickers ~ Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you. But you are a practical joker - others should be cautious in shaking hands! Hershey's ~ Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt and get gushy if held too close. Almond Joy with Almonds ~ Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and really like to get into life. The opposite sex is always attracted to you. Clark Bar ~You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. Good 'n Plenty ~You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to go to the movies with you. Children find you amusing. You are a very warm hearted person. Energy Bar ~ You are very active. You are so active, life is passing you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a plum. Chocolate Coated Raisins ~ You go to the bathroom often. The Smarter Sex? or the more devious one! A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..." "Gotta love that e-mail" Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here. AND GOD CREATED God created the mule, and told him: "You will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you will lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years. The mule answered: " To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And so it was Then God created the dog, and told him: "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded: "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10years And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him: "You are Monkey. You will swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded: "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And so it was. Finally, God created Man and told him: "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded: "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren. And so it was. An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the day when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking." Marriage or Prison??? A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying. She asked him, "What's wrong with you?" He replied: "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16? Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years." Baffled, she said, "Yes." The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison today." RENT IS DUE A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note: "Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1. It had never been occupied; 2. there was plenty of heat; 3. it was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large." Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply: "Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord." under the truck An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago. ______________________________________________________ Ventriloquist Cowboy..... A ventriloquist cowboy walkin' along a country road saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:. Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?" Rancher: "This dog don't talk!" Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin alright" Rancher: (Extreme look of shock) Cowboy: "Is this your owner (pointing at rancher)?" Dog: "Yep." Cowboy: "How's he treatin you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Rancher: (Look of disbelief) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Rancher: "Horses don't talk!" Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?" Horse: "Cool." Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock) Cowboy: "Is this your owner (pointing at rancher)?" Horse: "Yep." Cowboy: "How's he treatin you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Rancher: (total look of amazement) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?" Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!" The Smarter Sex? or the more devious one! A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..." Ballerina At The Bar This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!" TOOOO Funny!!! Two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back to the 2 boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV, and we'll be right back, Ok?" The two boys nod OK, and the parents take off upstairs. The older of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and shakes his head. He goes back downstairs to his little brother. "Come with me", he says, and the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his younger brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!!!!" Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Alaska." Interesting to read: An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again. White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees). In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself. 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie. A whale's penis is called a dork. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs- it will let you go instantly. Reindeer like to eat bananas. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. The most common name in the world is Mohammed. The word "samba" means "to rub navels together." Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. In the movie Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam." Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson." More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes. More people are struck by lightning than attacked by sharks. Cars are the biggest killers of people (except in Victoria where it's swimming in the surf)! A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. The average man falls asleep within 30 seconds of having sex (if not during). Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. A mathematical wonder: 111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111 gives the result 12,345,678,987,654,321. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired." Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village". There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards." The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to realize that *this* was the day of the changeover. Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with rejoice." The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye gouging." Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be disqualified was to poke someone's eye out. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. Non-dairy creamer is flammable. Stewardesses and reverberated are the two longest words (12 letters each) that can be typed using only the left hand. The longest word that can be typed using only the right hand is lollipop. Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1. A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein. The underside of a horse's hoof is called a frog. The frog peels off several times a year with new growth. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed." The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic." The shape of plant collenchyma cells and the shape of the bubbles in beer foam are the same - they are orthotetrachidecahedrons. The word 'pound' is abbreviated 'lb.' after the constellation 'libra' because it means 'pound' in Latin, also 'scales'. The abbreviation for the British Pound Sterling comes from the same source: it is an 'L' for Libra/Lb. with a stroke through it to indicate abbreviation. Sames goes for the Italian lira which uses the same abbreviation ('lira' coming from 'libra'). So British currency (before it went metric) was always quoted as "pounds/shillings/pence", abbreviated "L/s/d" (libra/solidus/denarius). Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead". Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head." Camel's milk does not curdle. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. An animal epidemic is called an epizootic. Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants. The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used. Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan. All porcupines float in water. Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio. Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ? The world's largest wine cask is in Heidelberg, Germany. Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom." Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town. St. Stephen is the patron saint of bricklayers. The first song played on Armed Forces Radio during operation Desert Shield was "Rock the Casba" by the Clash. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.) Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. The only nation who's name begins with an "A",but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanastan. The names of the three wise monkeys are: Mizaru: See no evil, Mikazaru: Hear no evil, and Mazaru: Speak no evil. When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar. ______________________________________________________ A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten on Christmas" The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap." The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?" Smile -- THE FACTS ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN -- Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and then she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 am, on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective. Sex: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay - men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, coloured stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. Comedy: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching tv, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favourite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out. Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. by the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick then off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Leg warmers: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wera leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line". Going Out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup... Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. Low Blows: Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on tv. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." Tha man groans and double over, and actually FEELS the pain. Dressing up: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. David Letterman: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut. Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wera a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style" Weddings: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the cermony". Men talk about "the bachelor party". Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back. Nicknames: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless. Eating out: and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. Mirrors: Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Gargagiola's head. Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. The Telephone: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. Directions: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and "I know I'm in the general neighbourhood, I recognize that 7-11 store." Admitting mistakes: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer. Richard Gere: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reasons. Toys: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 0r 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature tvs, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. Plants: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home 5 or 6 days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. Cameras: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures. Locker rooms: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football and wome. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms either. They are extremely graphic and technical and they never lie. Garages: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch tv in garages, and they build useless, lopsided benches in garages. Movies: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. Jewelry: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had." The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?" "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells. CAUTION NEW VIRUSES!!!!!!! Be on the lookout for any of these: Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, thene-mails everyone about what it did. Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte. Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, and then slowly expands to 200MB. Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Deletes all old files. Ellen Degeneres virus: You can no longer insert disks into your computer. Titanic virus: Your whole computer goes down. Disney virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.